1 I’m giving you the heaviest gift since I’ve had feces. You’ll definitely eat a pound, and you’ll need more. If you feel the poop is not enough, please help yourself!

2 Tips for self-testing vital capacity: After farting, lower your head and inhale sharply, and then observe whether the people around you smell any peculiar smell. If so, you need to strengthen your training according to this method; if not, it proves that you are a superman!

3 A man went shopping and needed to pee in a corner. When the old lady saw him, he said, "You will be fined 5 yuan for urinating in public." This person said: Who said that if I take out my urine and take a look at it, it won’t work?

4 A new overseas travel route - a seven-day tour of Afghanistan has been launched: live in a cave, learn bomb making and escape skills, and lucky ones will have the opportunity to take photos with Bin Laden

5 Love The payment is in arrears, the love has been shut down, and the fate is not in the service area. It is painful to think about it, and sad to think about it. When will the payment be made and the phone will be turned on again? Hengpi: Dreams come true

6 During the Water Splashing Festival, a person suddenly yelled: Who the hell is throwing water at me? People advise: Sprinkling you with water is a blessing to you. Scolder: Don't do this, what idiot poured boiling water on me

7 Instructions for jumping from a building: Go to the seventh floor happily, gasp to the sixth floor, struggle to the fifth floor, become disabled to the fourth floor, and be hospitalized to the third floor. Go to the second floor to see the scary things, and go to the first floor to watch the fun.

On the day of 8, you took a knife and chopped a pig wildly. The pig fled into a dead end, and the pig knelt down and begged you for mercy: "We are born from the same root, so why rush to fry each other!"

9 Warning: Due to overload use, your mobile phone has undergone violent internal changes and is about to explode. Please throw your mobile phone away in an empty place immediately after reading this prompt...

10 Please call 110 for free If you call, you will win a 15-day value-for-money tour with meals and accommodation, and a special car pick-up and drop-off will be arranged. The top ten will get a photo taken at the detention center and a fist and foot massage for thousands of people.

11 The four ideals of men: money is falling from the sky, and all the beautiful men in the world are dying. The beauty was so brainbroken that she cried and shouted for me to soak her.

12 Read this message, you owe me a hug; delete this message, you owe me a kiss; save this message, you owe me a date; if you reply, you owe me everything; if you don’t reply, you It’s mine

13 Congratulations on winning the big prize. Please go to the People’s Bank of China with your saber, shotgun, and cannon at 10 o’clock tonight to claim it while masked.

14 Man Twenty is semi-finished product, thirty is finished product, forty is fine product, fifty is top grade, sixty is top grade, seventy is waste product, and eighty is souvenir.

15 When a horse is flirty, it jumps and jumps, when a donkey is flirty, it brays, when a man is flirty, it is cocked, when a woman is flirty, she wants to have sex, and the most flirtatious one is looking at the phone and laughing constantly.

16 A nun went to the hospital for a B-ultrasound, and a careless nurse gave her the test sheet of a pregnant woman. After reading it, the nun sighed and said: "These days, even carrots are unreliable."

17 A man is not bad, but a bit perverted; a man who is not coquettish is a idiot. If a man is not attentive, he definitely has nerves; if a man is not a gangster, his development is abnormal.

18 When everyone wakes up, I am drunk alone. The most precious thing is to have a clear understanding. I will never regret meeting true love, and I will only be with you in this life (the secret is in the fifth word of each sentence)

Do you still remember me? One time we went to climb a cliff and you accidentally fell. I quickly asked you: "Did you get hurt?" You said in panic: "I don't know... we haven't reached the bottom yet!"

: 23

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said: "Pick up the pickles and pickles and pickles!"

(Translation: Now let’s invite the township magistrate to speak!)

The township head said: "Rabbits, today's rice is eaten by dogs, and everyone is a big bastard!"

(Translation: Comrades, today's rice is enough, everyone is a big bowl!)

No pickles, I’ll pick up dog poop and lick it for you. ． ．

(Translation: Don’t talk, let me tell you a story...)

A county magistrate with a heavy accent came to the village to make a report: "Rabbits, shrimps, Pig tail! No pickles, pickles are too expensive!”

(Translation: Comrades and villagers, please be careful! Don’t talk, it’s a meeting now!!)

The coach said: "Class one kills the chickens, class two steals the eggs, I'll make porridge for you."

"

(Translation: The first team shoots, the second team drops bombs, I will show you.)

"Wo Chun" "I'm Stupid"

Dark I smell the flowers in the dark, I have no culture

I feel so sad when I lie on the branches, I have a very low IQ.

I smell the flowers lying in the distance, like water, I want to ask who I am,

Yitouda is a big stupid donkey

The shore is like green, I am a donkey,

The shore is like green, I am a donkey,

The shore is as green as green. I am a stupid donkey

Confessions of a network administrator

98% of the current Internet cafe guests are idiots. They cannot turn on the computer or switch the input method. I can’t convert letters to uppercase and lowercase, I can’t use the private server login, I can’t open voice on QQ, I can’t exit the game after entering it, I can’t shut down the private server and say there’s something wrong with my machine, **, I really want to squeeze him to death, Crush it to death, then knead it into a ball, then roll it into twists, fry it in a pan, then take it out and stomp it to pieces

The MIC cannot be opened for voice chat, and the Internet cafe headset is broken.

Watching a movie seems not to be in Mandarin!

Ask me: "Network administrator, do you have any porn movies to watch?" I said no, he blamed the movie for not being complete!

Can't log in to QQ Said the machine was not good! I ran over and took a look and found that the password was wrong. She even asked me what my password was!!!!

There was also a more powerful girl who picked up the call from an unknown netizen. Video, call me over and ask me who the person in the video is!!!

I'm so faint, I still have this ability!!!!!!!

Play CS against someone else I fired a smoke bomb and he was dodged, yelling: The network administrator is down...

The day before yesterday, a stupid girl chatted with me on QQ and asked me how to type. I asked her, don't you know how to type? She said she could. I said, just type it (and help her adjust the input method). After a while, she called me and said: Network administrator, why can’t I type anything? She told me that I can’t type anything. I said, "Hello" first, and I'll do it for her. Then you know what she said. Just sit next to me and help me type. She looks like a dinosaur. Today, some idiot asked me why I don’t have QQ coins here, please help me download some QQ coins...**, if that thing can be downloaded~! I wouldn’t have to go to school anymore

During the roll call at the beginning of the school year, a class teacher came up with an original idea and said to the students: "I'm going to read my student number. You can tell me your name so that everyone knows each other, okay?" "

"No. 001! "

"Teacher, my surname is Jiao, and my name is Jiao Pei. The teacher was a little dizzy and asked, "Who got this for you?" ”

“My dad. "What does your father do?" "

"Open a breeding pig factory! "

"No. 002! "

A girl stood up and said: "Teacher, my surname is Zhang and my name is Zhang Dekai. "

"No. 003! "

"Teacher, I am Zhang Dekai's twin brother, my name is Zhang Bukai. "Who gave you this name?" "

"It's my dad, he sells pliers. "The teacher quickly took a sip of water.

"No. 004! "

"Teacher, my surname is Ou (the character is pronounced "Ou") and my name is Ou Ye (oh yeah). This is the name my mother gave me. She said she happened to have a baby when she gave birth to me. A computer game was played. "The teacher's heart felt a little uncomfortable.

"No. 005! ”

“Report to the teacher, Ganniang! "Why are you swearing?" ! ”

“No! Teacher, I mean my surname is Gan, my name is Gan Ni Niang, and my father is a wine maker. "The teacher took a pill.

No. 006!"

"Teacher, my surname is Gou, and my name is Goubuli."

"Your father is You open a bun shop?"

"Teacher, you are so smart!" The teacher was already a little unsteady.

“No. 007!”

“My surname is Kuai (pronounce it quickly, pronounce it in the third tone.) and my name is Kuai Huo.”

“Don’t tell me Your father runs a warehouse.

"

"Teacher, you are so old-fashioned, my dad is a pimp. " Blood oozed from the corners of the teacher's mouth.

"No. 008! "

"Teacher, go to hell! " "What? What did you say? ! "

"I mean my surname is Ni, and my name is Ni going to the temple. My mother is a Buddhist. My name is interesting, right? ”

“Interesting, interesting. "The teacher was about to cry.

"No. 009! ”

“Teacher, I’ll talk about it next time. "Why do you have to say it next time? You say it now!" ”

“No! Teacher, my surname is Xia, and my name is Xia Huishuo. My father is a storyteller. "The teacher is already feeling dizzy.

"No. 010! "

"Teacher, my surname is Gao, and my name is Gao Wan. "

"My surname is Mei, and my name is Mei Liangliang. "

"My surname is Wu, and my name is Wu Qing. "

"My surname is Mao, and my name is Mao Rongrong. ".........

The teacher looked up to the sky and roared: "Oh my God, what kind of students did I meet! "The teacher spurted blood from his mouth and fell to the ground.

The spirit of a thief

The first time, I got on the bus and took nothing with me except the 1 yuan for the bus. From the starting point When I got to the terminal, I felt calm all the way. But when I got off the bus, I found a note in my pants: "It's a shame for an adult to go out without taking anything with you." ——Thieves Company.".

The second time, I took a broken wallet with 1 cent in it. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there and a piece of paper was stuffed in the wallet. Article: “We are not beggars, please don’t insult our profession, thank you. ——Thieves Company.”.

The third time, I broke my wallet and found 100 yuan in counterfeit bills. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there and a piece of paper was stuffed in my wallet. Note: "It is illegal to conceal counterfeit banknotes of large denominations. Please go to the relevant departments and hand them in. Thank you. ——Thieves Company”.

For the fourth time, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. When I arrived at the terminal, the mobile phone was still there, with an extra note: “Please don’t make this joke. It affects the normal work of our company, thank you. ——Thieves Company.”.

In the fifth chapter, I took a toy pistol and stuck it on my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was missing and a note was stuffed in the waistband of my pants: “ What I hate most about you guys who are robbing is that you have no technical skills at all! Confiscated crime tools! ——Thieves Company.”.

The 6th time, I was about to get on the bus, but there were too many people and I couldn’t squeeze in. When I was waiting for the next bus, I touched my pocket and found that there was an extra 20 Quick money, and a note: "Brother, it's not easy for us to be exposed to the sun all day long in our line of work. I'd like to pay you 20 yuan. You can take a taxi wherever you want to go. Please stop teasing us!" ——Thieves Company."

So, I also started pressing the keyboard! I pressed hard! I pressed harder! I pressed faster than them! It was louder than them!

They couldn’t help but look over, and I I purposely glanced at them with contempt! Their expressions changed and they glared at me fiercely! I immediately stared back!

They continued to play Power 5 with livid faces, but the noise was louder than mine!

p>

How could I be willing to do so? So, I simply slapped the keyboard with the palm of my hand! Shoot hard! Shoot hard!

The two guys lost their enthusiasm at first sight and started shooting. Keyboard! The sound is louder than mine again!

How can I give up? Immediately hit the keyboard with my fist! Hit it hard! Hit it hard!

The two people looked at each other. I started hitting the keyboard! The sound surpassed me again! I didn’t give up! I ripped off the keyboard and threw it directly to the ground! I stepped on it hard! I stepped on it hard!

Everyone in the Internet cafe turned to me The warmest applause! The two non-mainstream people were dumbfounded and at a loss!

However, under my provocative eyes, they also became angry! They also tore off the keyboard! Throw it on the ground and trample it to pieces! Then they look at me provocatively!

At this time, the network administrators of the Internet cafe surrounded them! One network administrator looked at the keyboard that they had trampled to pieces. I slapped him in the face! Then the network administrators swarmed up and beat the two non-mainstream people!

Finally, the two non-mainstream people were lying on the ground. One of the non-mainstream people pointed at me and asked weakly: " Why...don't you hit him?"

A network administrator kicked him: "He plays CS, so he brought his own keyboard!"

Zhu Bajie is here While making out with Chang'e on the moon, suddenly a black shadow passed by. Zhu Bajie hurriedly chased him with a nail rake. After a while, he came back and said: Damn it, Yang Liwei...

A driver drove a truck full of hens and teased his parrot while driving. A beautiful girl hit the truck. The driver put the parrot in the truck box with the hens and asked the beautiful girl to sit in the cab. After driving for a while, the driver asked the beautiful woman tentatively: "Can I kiss you?" The beautiful woman shook her head very shyly and said, "No." After waiting for a while, the driver reluctantly asked again: "Can I hug you?" The beauty still shook her head and said: "No." The driver said angrily: "If you can't, just get off." After driving for a while, the driver felt that what he was doing was very ungentlemanly, so he went back and asked the beauty to get in the car. But after driving for a while, the driver stopped. Reluctantly, she asked again: "Can I kiss you?" The beauty still shook her head, "Can I hug you?" The beauty still shook her head, "If not, just get out." After repeating this three times, they finally arrived at the chicken farm. The driver opened the car and saw There were only a few hens left, and the parrot picked up one of the hens and asked: "Can I kiss the beautiful woman?" The hen shook her head desperately, and the parrot asked again: "Can I hug the beautiful woman?" The hen still shook its head. The parrot said: "If you can't, get down." The hen was thrown out of the car...

The little white rabbit was walking in the forest when he met the big bad wolf and came towards him. "I gave the little white rabbit two big ear stickers and said, "I will let you not wear a hat." The little white rabbit retreated aggrievedly.

The next day, she jumped out of the house wearing a hat, and met the big bad wolf again. He walked up to the little white rabbit and gave the little white rabbit two big mouths, saying, "I Let you wear a hat."

Rabbit was depressed. After thinking for a long time, I finally decided to complain to the king of the forest, Tiger.

After explaining the situation, Tiger said, "Okay, I understand. I will handle this matter. You have to trust the organization." That same day, the tiger found his buddy, the big bad wolf. "It's not right for you to do this. It's making it difficult for me." After saying that, he wiped the cigarette ashes falling on the table: "Do you think this is okay? You can say, Tutu, come here and find me a piece of meat." Go! She asked for a fat one, and you said you wanted a thin one. Then you can beat her up, Tutu. I’m looking for a woman. She’s looking for a plump one, and you say you like a slim one. She’s looking for a slim one, and you’re looking for a plump one. You can beat her properly and forcefully.” The big bad wolf nodded frequently and clapped his hands, and his respect for the tiger once again reached a new peak.

Unexpectedly, the above guidance work was overheard by the little white rabbit who was weeding the tiger's house outside the window. I feel this hatred in my heart.

The next day, the little white rabbit went out again. What a coincidence, the big bad wolf came towards him. The Big Bad Wolf said: "Rabbit, come here and find me a piece of meat." Rabbit said: "Then, do you want a fat one or a thin one?" After hearing this, the Big Bad Wolf's heart sank. Another joy, I said to myself, luckily there is Plan B. He then said: "Tutu, find me a woman quickly." Tutu asked: "So, do you like plump ones or slim ones?" The big bad wolf was silent for 2 seconds, raised his hand and said more I gave Tutu two big-eared posts. "Damn, I asked you not to wear a hat."

The little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked: "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Ah, I'm so sorry, there aren't that many"

"That's it..." The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly.

The next day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "I'm sorry, there are still none."

"That's it..." The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly.

On the third day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

The boss said happily: "Yes, Yes, we have a hundred buns today!”

Little White Rabbit took out the money: “Great, I’ll buy two!”

The prisoner was executed. During the shooting, due to the poor quality of the bullets, the first shot did not go off, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried, hugged the bailiff's thigh and said: Brother, strangle me to death! It's so damn scary...

一

A certain mental hospital heard that the leader was coming to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the director called a meeting with the patients.

The dean said: "This afternoon, there are very important leaders coming to visit, and everyone must go to the door to welcome them. During the welcome

all patients stand On both sides of the hospital gate, we have to stand neatly. When I cough, everyone claps together, the more enthusiastically, the better; when I stamp my feet, everyone must stop, and no one can make a mistake. Okay,

We can eat meat buns for everyone tonight. As long as one person messes up, everyone will have no buns to eat. Remember

" Patient in the audience? They shouted together: "Remember!"

That afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the door, the welcoming patients were already standing at the door.

At this moment, as the director coughed, all the patients applauded and welcomed him, and the atmosphere was very warm. The leaders who came to visit

were infected by the warm atmosphere, smiled and walked into the hospital applauding with everyone. Seeing that the leader had entered the hospital, the dean stamped his foot and the applause of the hospital stopped. It was very neat. Only this leader was still smiling and applauding. The dean was very satisfied. Suddenly, a sick man as strong as Schwarzenegger emerged from the welcoming crowd. He strode up to the leader, gave him a big slap in the face, and shouted angrily - - "You don't want to eat steamed buns anymore?!!!"

There were three people competing in marksmanship, with a black man holding something as a target.

The first man placed an apple on the black man’s head, then raised his hand and shot the apple to pieces 10 meters away. He blew the gun and said: I 'm Zorro!

The second man put a cherry on the black man's head, and then, 50 meters away, he raised his hand and shot the cherry to pieces. He blew on the muzzle of the gun and said: I' m007

The third man put a sesame seed on the black man’s head, then raised his hand and shot the black man’s head 100 meters away, and he also blew The muzzle said: I'm sorry...

. Get away as far as your thoughts go!

A man’s lies can deceive a woman for a night, and a woman’s lies can deceive a man for a lifetime!

6. If you cannot put your woman into a wedding dress, then never stop unbuttoning her clothes!

7. Go the way of NB and let SB speak!

8. Water can carry a boat and cook porridge!

9. Zi said on the river: "It would be great to have a boat!"

10. Driving is not difficult, I'm afraid there are new people!

........................

1. We are looking for little girls, and *** will come with you to water; I will water the head of the Yangtze River, and you will water the tail of the Yangtze River. .

2. Love at first sight, then fades, and then exhausts.

3. A person is not alone, he is lonely only when he wants to be alone.

4. Born, easy. Life is easy. Life is not easy.

5. If I could see my back, I think it must be very sad, because I left all my happiness in front!

6. Work QQ, no small talk, if you want to force a chat, it will cost 50 cents per word; punctuation marks, half price, 20% off for more than 1,000 words; emoticons, 10 yuan monthly subscription, voice and video, not available yet Activation; make payment first and then chat, chat as soon as payment is received, pay online, provide invoice; no monthly rent payment, individual charges, holidays and weekends, business as usual; agents wanted ```

2.Spring Beauty The whole garden couldn't be closed, so I pulled Hongxing out of the wall.

3. Do you think I will watch you die? I'll close my eyes.

6. I regard money as dirt, and my father regards me as a cesspool. (recommended by lyra)

7. I drank to drown the pain, but this damn pain learned to swim.

2. I am not a casual person, but I am not a casual person.

3. I am in the world, but there are no legends about me in the world...

4. Follow other people's paths and leave others with nowhere to go.

5. I would rather believe that there are ghosts in the world than believe in a man’s bad mouth!

1. If the water is extremely clear, there will be no fish; if the people are extremely humble, they will be invincible.

2. The one riding the white horse may not be a prince, he may be Tang Monk; the one with wings may not be an angel - my mother said, it is a birdman.

3. Time is the same as cleavage, if you squeeze it there will still be some.

4. One mountain cannot accommodate two tigers, unless there is one male and one female.

5. Don’t be careless about an animal that bleeds for a week and still survives...

6. I, a college student, have goals in life: a peasant woman, a mountain spring, and some farmland.

7. Women remember: they must eat well, have fun, sleep well and drink well. Once we are exhausted, other women will spend our money, live in our room, sleep with our husband, have sex with our boyfriend, and even beat our children.

QQ Group "Handsome Guys Village" Announcement

1. In spring, I buried myself in the land at the entrance of the village, and in autumn I harvested a lot of handsome guys. Then I changed the name of the village to "Handsome Village", and I got my wish and became the village chief.

4. The trouble with chocolate is: when you eat it, it’s gone.

5. Don’t wait until everyone says you are ugly to find out that you are really ugly.

6. If my friends can sell them for five yuan each, I can make a small fortune.

7. A big belly is not scary. What is scary is that it is big and empty.

8. The biggest advantage of going on a blind date is that if there are problems in your marriage in the future, you can shift the responsibility to the matchmaker.

9. If a woman shows herself to be generous first, then a man will not dare to be stingy.

10. People are born on the bed and die on the bed. If they want to live or die, they are also on the bed.

Anya's QQ signature

1. Wizard, please tell the princess that I am still on the road of overcoming thorns and thorns. There are still snow mountains that have not been climbed, rivers that have not been crossed, dragons that have not been killed, and beautiful women that have not yet been conquered. Bubble...tell her to continue sleeping!

2. The person I love is a stunning beauty, and one day she will come to marry me riding a fire-breathing dinosaur. However, at the end of the story, I only saw her mount, but not its owner.

1. If a tree doesn’t want its bark, it will definitely die; if a person doesn’t have shame, it will be invincible.

2. Do nothing but do nothing, do nothing but do nothing. (Dai Jianwei)

3. The true meaning of an iron rice bowl is not to have food to eat in one place, but to have food to eat wherever you go throughout your life. (Su Mei)

4. The saucy should return to saucy, and the saucy has the chastity of the saucy; the mean should return to the mean, and the mean should have the dignity of being mean.

5. If eating more fish can make people smarter, then I must have eaten at least a pair of whales...

6. Success in life does not lie in getting a good pair of whales. cards, but how to play bad cards well.

He debuted at the age of 7.0, and is making progress every day at the age of 10. At the age of 20, you have lofty ideals, and at the age of 30, you work hard to become stronger. The 40-year-old is basically oriented, the 50-year-old is popular everywhere. I play mahjong when I am 60 years old, and hang out everywhere when I am 70 years old. The 80-year-old Lala lives at home, and the 90-year-old hangs it on the wall!

8. When you were born, you cried and everyone smiled; when you left, you smiled and everyone cried.

9. Stand taller and pee farther.

10. Wear other people’s shoes, walk your own path, and let them find it.

11. In a few decades, we will meet, be sent to the crematorium, and burn to ashes. You will be in a pile, I will be in a pile, no one knows each other, and we will all be sent to the countryside to be used as fertilizer. .

1. You can’t have both fish and bras.

2. Experts look at doorways, laymen look at sidewalks.

3. Don’t step on the wild flowers on the roadside!

I don’t know how to play chess, calligraphy and painting, but I feel tired from doing laundry and cooking.

：Give me a girl and I can create a nation.

Ugly girls tend to cause mischief, and black buns tend to contain vegetables.

: Let me tell you that the teacher is very angry now, and the consequences will be very serious (after his Nth blind date failed).

It may seem possible, but it may not be impossible.

What you have said does not matter, the people you like change every day.

Have three meals in the morning, noon and evening, and eat six meals before and after meals.

1. Offline on time at 12 midnight! Otherwise, the princess will turn back into Cinderella.

2. Hello, is this China Mobile? My name is China Unicom and my PHS is broken. Can you send China Railway Telecom to fix it?

3. I am an academician of the Advanced Diving Academy of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, a Nobel Prize for long-term disconnection, and an Oscar for lifetime invisibility...

5. Don’t worry, I’ve lost my appetite when I see you. , what else to talk about sexual desire!

6. Although I am sleeping naked, I can plug and play...

7. In the process of being quartered by five horses - do you want a piece?

8. God said: "Let there be light." I said: "No!" So we had dark night.

9. I pinned the KONKA TV remote control to my waistband and pretended to have bought a new NOKIA mobile phone.

10. I think I would enjoy the morning if it came later.

1. I can’t give you happiness, but I can give you comfort!

2. Life is so fucking fun, because life keeps fucking playing with me.

3. Buddha said: "It takes 500 looks back in the past life in exchange for one pass in this life." I would rather exchange one pass in the next life in exchange for 500 looks back in this life.

4. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I used them to roll my eyes.

7. I wanted to fall in love prematurely, but it was too late...

A pair of lovers were caught by savages in the mountains and said, "You eat each other's shit and then let you go."

The lover did it, and the woman cried loudly on the way back. The man asked why, and the woman sadly said: You don't love me, otherwise you wouldn't poop so much!