My name is Ansheng. This is the name I gave myself in the morning of my fourth year of depression. I probably hope that my whole life will be the same as this name, just like I am An Sheng.

I have always wondered why I am still alive. There are moments when I really want to die, but living tells me that I have a stronger desire to survive, so life is more important to me than death. I have been drunk and dreamy for countless opaque nights, and every sleeping pill I swallowed has erased my evil thoughts, whether it is a woman who climbs high buildings to be like the wind or a woman who embraces the sea to be like water, but in the morning before the sun rises, my desire for survival begins. I really want to know the difference between tomorrow's sun and yesterday's sun. I try hard to think about how to spend the day that devours my night and how to face the smiling face that is happier than me.

I am 30 years old, unmarried, single, from Guangzhou, living in New Zealand. I am a teacher of Chinese as a foreign language and a psychological counselor.

Standing at the age of 30 is a fatal blow to women. I can't remember why I chose to live in New Zealand. Probably because I have a strong desire to survive. I just want to embrace the endless prairie, and suddenly I think of the word "down-to-earth". Psychologically, when you feel that everyone has abandoned you, you should think of "keeping your feet on the ground" and the earth will support you. Everything around you is with you, the sky is blue, white clouds are smiling at you, the breeze is gently brushing your cheek and kissing you, and the flowers floating in the distance are beginning to get in close contact with you. Isn't it insecure? This is the sense of security. Not only people can give you a sense of security, but everything around you can also give you a sense of security. This is how I felt when I was thirty.

Why do I suffer from depression? Unknown, I only know that it is a little bit of pain, and no one knows. Facing others, I am happy and happy, but I don't know that every inch of my body is painful and every point in my heart is numb. Maybe it is.

When people reach a certain age, they always love memories. Now I'm sober, without suicide or pain.

In the year when I returned to college, the boy confessed to the girl that "you can only marry me in this life". In order not to hurt the boy, the ignorant girl agreed to the boy's confession and began their long-distance relationship.

They don't see each other often, only once a month. It's all girls that boys go to find. The girl's inner thought is that the boy will always love her and get married and have children after graduation. If they like it, they will like it. There are no such complicated factors.

Once, the girl wanted to see the boy very much, so she secretly took a two-hour train to see the boy's city. It rained heavily that day, and the girl sent a text message to the boy, "I'm here, come out and see me, I miss you." The girl put down her usual stubbornness and said this sentence, but the reply she got was "Sorry, dear, I have an exam today and a game tomorrow".

Seeing this reply, the girl angrily bought a ticket and went back, crying on the crowded train, and her sense of helplessness and loneliness kept coming. After getting on the train, the girl wrote a 2000-word letter of separation on the note. After all, they have known each other for eight years. For girls, he is not only love, but also the element of love has developed into affection. Before the letter was copied and pasted, she wanted to see his spatial dynamics, click on the message, see a person, the message shows that it is a woman, and leave a message saying "I love you, good night". She went in curiously and found that all the girls' message boards were left by boys. She felt that the sky was falling.

The long letter was not sent out. She just said, "Let's break up, I already like someone else." The boy quickly agreed. It's strange how he agreed so quickly. In the later days, the girl waited for the boy's reply, hoping that he was just a temporary wave. When the waves were enough, he went home and asked his friends. In the years of college, boys occasionally contacted girls and asked him how he was doing. The girl told him that she had a boyfriend and was very happy.

This girl is me, and that boy is my first love. I didn't like him very much before the beginning of love, but because of my insecurity and strong dependence, I gradually got used to having him. After breaking up, my temperament changed greatly.

I like playing games. Besides going to class in the classroom, I will stay in the dormitory and play games.

Aman and I met while playing games. He is from Hebei. Besides playing games, we also added social accounts such as WeChat, qq and Weibo.

He is honest with me, and we talk about everything. Even he told me how much he spent in primary school a day. Although I sometimes doubt whether it is true or not, he told me that there is no doubt.

We play games together and talk about different places every day. Yes, we played games together for a year and chatted together for a year.

Suddenly one day, he told me that he was going to travel with the girl he liked. Of course not, just travel. But when he came back, I confessed to him inexplicably. At this time, we haven't met. He said he liked me very much. I don't know why he just wants to chat with me every day, but he thinks we are too far away. He said a lot at that time. I can't remember clearly. The deepest sentence I remember is "Let's take the postgraduate entrance examination", which has influenced my life.

In my junior year, I abandoned my favorite game and devoted myself to my study. But no matter how hard I tried, I failed the exam in the end. I don't think I can talk to him in my life. I deleted all his contact information. But I'm a coward. I added him back in a few days and told him I would try. He is very kind to me. Actually, he hasn't been in love yet. I can feel that he loves me very much. He can tolerate all my bad temper and encourage me to continue my postgraduate study and not give up. We love each other because distance and our incompetence have not come together. 365 days a year, we quarreled for 300 days, but the quarrel did not separate us. We kept in touch, made phone calls and made videos, which lasted for two years.

We are not happy without being together for two years. I often hint that he will give me a promise, but he only has one sentence: I love you, but we are too far away.

In the year of graduation, because of my work, my relationship with my family was very stiff and I couldn't see the future with Aman. In a rage, I went to a very remote mountainous area to teach, and I stayed there for three years. Life there is very bitter, but far from the noise of the city, my heart is much calmer. Aman didn't want me to suffer, so he called me countless times and advised me not to continue this life, go home and settle down for postgraduate study or find a leisure job. I didn't listen to them, but chose to continue my life. Every quiet night in the country can arouse my infinite thought. What do I want? Do I love him or not? Does he love me or not? I know I'm shallow. My life in recent years has been centered around love, as if I can't live without love. Is it? Actually, yes. I'm too shallow. I feel incomplete without loving me. Love is more important to me than life.

No one knows why my temperament has changed a lot since the first breakup. In fact, no one knows that my temperament has changed, because I have never shown it. I was still a complete person in front of others, but when the night started, I showed myself completely in my notebook, and I wrote down everything I didn't say. In fact, I suspected that I had depression at that time, so I wanted to distract the game. Later, I failed in the postgraduate entrance examination and felt that I was useless. Since I took love as everything, I went to a more bitter place to suffer and think about how to go in my future life.

I refuse to socialize, even my family, and everything accumulated in my heart is written in the manuscript. Teaching life passes quickly. I spent the day with innocent and lovely children. At night, I just listen to the chirping of insects and the croaking of frogs. It's fine, but I don't know what happened. I don't know if I want to play games. Do I have a girlfriend?

Three years have passed and my teaching life is coming to an end. Fortunately, I saved a small sum of money and was admitted to a graduate school in a university. Three years of hard work finally paid off. I spoke to my parents and hung up. I can't say why. I hate communicating with people, especially people and things in the past. But I miss him very much.-Ah, man.

I bought a train ticket to Beijing. The bumpy train may have reminded me of something, but I didn't understand anything. Aman could have come to Guangzhou three years ago, but he told me that Beijing has better development space. As long as I study hard and he works hard, we will have a future.

Putting my feet on Beijing, where I have lived for several years, breathing the alienated air of this city, I feel that I am an outsider, and my strangeness to this city is the same as my curiosity to Aman. I asked K, who played games in those days, and I got it. I bought a suite on the first ring road in Beijing. I called a taxi and went to that place. I waited until dusk. As I imagined, I saw him, his wife and their children. I just stood there, not knowing whether to put my hand in my pocket or hold it in the air. I haven't changed much in these years, and he recognized me at a glance. They just said "Hi, long time no see". Ironically, I sang Eason Chan's Long Time No See to him every week, so I left Beijing, very lonely. Ah man, happiness is really good, I wish you.

Over the years, I actually miss him very much. But I really dare not contact him. He can't give me promises, sweet words or a home. When we get along, we quarrel every now and then. Of course, I started all this. According to what was said at the time, it was too much. For example, I like to confess to him every three days. Once I can't get the answer I want, I will lose my temper. For example, if he accidentally makes a mistake, I will go crazy, often staying up until two or three in the morning, making friends frequently and threatening him with death.

The life of graduate students is ok. As usual, I am a loner and don't attend any parties. Of course, I have stopped playing games. I can avoid deserted streets and heartbreaking nights. When I see a computer, I will think of it. I think about it when I eat, and I think about it when I sleep. I often think that he is still in my usual chat list, and I will be in a daze when I pick up my mobile phone. I have tried to uninstall all the software I used with him. I remember him for a long time, so I lied to myself that I would go to him after graduation, and we still have a future.

I am timid. I didn't go to see him after graduation, because I never dared to admit that he didn't love me. Facing and escaping, I chose the latter. Running away can make me lie to myself, but Aman still loves me.

On the night of the seventh anniversary of meeting Aman, I went to a nearby bar alone and got as drunk as a fiddler. When I saw the intersection, I began to think about whether to go right or left, straight or turn a corner. I don't remember anything. I don't remember anything. A white light appeared in front of me. As I planned, my head was broken and my white shirt was dyed red with blood. It's good to be young.

My plan failed again. The result of the failure was a big bag on my face. I have to have a minor operation. When I came out of the operating room and saw my new self in the mirror, I woke up from a big dream. These years have finally passed. My parents looked at their daughter in front of them and said, "You can leave Guangzhou and go anywhere you want." . After all, they abandoned me.

I moved to New Zealand with a lot of money. All these years, I have not lived in vain. I went to graduate school and found a decent job in New Zealand. Thirty years old, nothing, no love, no marriage. I'm still the one who writes in a small room, trying to live a decent life.

Hi, how are you? Depression has been coming to me for a long time. I can't tell you that feeling. I didn't see a psychiatrist, so I told my family and Arvin. After walking alone for so many years, they don't want me, but at least I still have days, land, air and grassland.

I hope everything is all right with you in my memory.

The sun shines on the earth, the air is fresh, and the breeze blows the grass, but I didn't see this scene. My soul tells me that I have struggled for so many years and tried to live. God didn't give me what I wanted, so I had to beg.

It's over, Ansheng. Everything is fine.