As soon as this question came up on Zhihu, a mother’s answer quickly won over 10,000 likes, making countless women happy and regretting why they didn’t see it earlier and follow suit. This mother had an IUD surgery before she got married. She wanted to take the decision-making power of childbearing into her own hands, but her parents, in-laws, and her husband took turns trying to induce the baby. They tried to be reasonable first, but failed to talk about ethics. Achievements were so pressing that she used neighbors and other public pressure to create trouble, went to the company, made 24-hour phone calls to promote the birth, seized her ID card to threaten her, took away her car keys and refused to go to work, etc. She created all kinds of troubles. Later, she couldn't stand it anymore and held a family meeting. They negotiated, and the result of the negotiation was that she was only responsible for the ten-month pregnancy and one delivery, and did not care about the rest. During the pregnancy, her husband took care of all the housework. After the baby was born, her husband was responsible for feeding milk powder, changing diapers, etc., and her parents-in-law and parents helped. After the negotiation was concluded, this was indeed taken into action. As a result, the man worked hard day and night and was abused to the point of "postpartum depression", sometimes like a resentful woman, and his parents-in-law and parents were also exhausted.
Such a case really makes countless mothers who are suffering and helpless in reality say that they are satisfied. She has done many things that women cannot do. As a mother, I can easily empathize with her, but in addition to feeling a sense of revenge for her, I also feel a bit mixed. What I’m happy about is that more and more women in China are awakening and no longer regard having children as their only responsibility. It is a valuable and necessary task to have the courage to make independent choices about childbirth; what is worrying is that it is not actually the non-breastfeeding that she said has no impact. There is an essential difference whether the mother carries the child in the first year, and Isn't she "holding her uterus to control the whole family"? Do Chinese women have to go to such extreme measures to gain independence and respect in the matter of childbearing? If this is really necessary, it would be really sad.
Actually, she may not hate having children so much, but rather a feeling similar to "I know you don't allow me to fall in love early, but I just can't bear to see you controlling me everywhere. You don't allow me to fall in love early, but I have to fall in love early." Rebellious psychology, generally behind this situation are controlling parents. If her family accepts her idea, respects her choice, cares about her concerns, and eliminates her fears when she says she "doesn't want to have children," she may not be so decisive. But the reality is that she is disrespectful, indifferent, and simple and rude. , she can only use her children as a bargaining chip.
|01? Is giving birth scary?
The answer is undoubtedly yes, yes, it is scary, but the scary thing is not the birth itself, not the shape of the body, not the discomfort of ten-month pregnancy, not going through hell alone during childbirth, nor It's not about breastfeeding and bathing day and night. What's terrible is the neglect of the mother, the loneliness of fighting alone, helpless, and confused. Your efforts are taken for granted. No one understands you, and no one will really listen to you. Your Some of those who are thinking about it can stand and talk without back pain.
The most chilling thing is probably that your former loved ones were not responsible enough and even hurt you, such as verbal violence, widowed parenting or invisible father, and cheating during pregnancy and lactation... these For single women, every one of them is fatal, "Ah, it's so scary, I definitely can't stand it, I don't want to have children." But the fact is that most Chinese women grow up quickly after giving birth to children, and you don't know their energy ceiling. Know where you are, how determined and resilient you are.
Of course, if men are not responsible enough, it cannot be said that it is entirely their responsibility, and women must also reflect on themselves. Are you too capable? Didn’t you give the other party a chance to learn? Don’t have the patience to wait for them to grow and don’t give them guidance? No one is born a good parent, we all learn. However, there is a limit to waiting for a person to grow. For example, He Jie's choice to divorce He Ziming is not necessarily a wise move. "He is more passionate about playing games than acting..." Work records show that there is only one movie after 2013 Works, accompanying children and playing games with them, which in his opinion is considered high-quality companionship, etc. Children all follow the same example, so it’s okay for fathers to set a negative example like this.
|02? Will you lose yourself after giving birth?
This mother does not want to have a child, probably because she is afraid that her quality of life will be affected after giving birth to a child. She is originally an independent person with a wide range of hobbies, and she may not have time to continue pursuing her interests after giving birth to a child. etc.
From my own point of view, life is indeed different after giving birth to a child. Not to mention the hard work of raising a child, I no longer have a good sleep, and I suffer from tenosynovitis in my wrist while carrying the child, which takes up a lot of time and energy. , it is no longer possible to have a whole block of time to go to class like before, but I still find every opportunity to learn, reading and reciting ancient poems while coaxing the baby to sleep, reading on my mobile phone while breastfeeding, watering the flowers while holding the baby, and taking advantage of the baby to sleep. I draw pictures and do dance exercises for the baby, and he is also a very respectable spectator and listener. When I do dance exercises and shake his hair, he laughs and giggles. When I recite ancient poems, he is very happy and babbling. I am not the only one who participates. It has contributed to the growth of his life, and he has accompanied me in my studies.
After giving birth, I changed my signature to "I will not regret it in this life, and I will never live like this in the next life." This means that I do not regret giving birth to a child, and the changes it has brought to me after giving birth. I couldn't have imagined the changes in the past, but people have to have different experiences in life. Maybe I will try a different life in the next life and choose a life without children, but I want to live well and live well in this life.
I think this mentality of working hard no matter what the situation is is the backing for maintaining oneself. As long as there is self-existence in the heart, even if you live a life of firewood, rice, oil, salt, sauce, vinegar and tea, you have to urinate with your children. You won’t lose yourself while dealing with them. If you don’t have a self and your heart is not strong enough, even if you assume a unique attitude, you may not be truly free and unrestrained. Whether a woman will lose herself when giving birth to a child depends on herself first. Of course, it also depends on the man she chooses. Having a good husband who supports her will certainly reduce a lot of resistance in life.
|03? Why give birth to a child?
Perhaps everyone has different reasons for having children.
"Some people like children,
some people want to continue the incense,
some people have children around them,
some people have children because of Pressure,
Some people don’t want to be older mothers,
Some people are too bored as a couple.”
I like a saying, “God made me. Take a snail for a walk." Yes, the snail is so slow. I often hold his little hand and think, "How long does it take for such a small hand to grow as big as mine?" Sometimes I feel that he is really a troublesome guy, but when I am around him I also saw a lot of beautiful scenery, which I had never seen before. For me, being with him is already a gift in itself.
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