Copyright Statement

Author of this article: Long Hang

Digital signature: Pressone

In other words, one person wants to treat another person There is absolute possession, whether in thought or behavior.

The strength of the desire for control corresponds to the strength of the sense of security. The less secure a person is, the stronger his desire for control. A person who is insecure in his heart is also a manifestation of his inner fear.

The desire for control, security, and fear are all connected together.

Teacher Xiaolai said:

Liang Ning also said:

The mechanism behind the desire for control discussed today is also a person’s extreme lack of security. and manifestations of fear.

Now when I look back and understand what Teacher Xiaolai said, if possible, never marry someone who is insecure. Do you have a deeper understanding?

What’s embarrassing is that I am a very controlling person. What should I do in the face of such a situation?

To solve this problem, we must start from the family of origin. Let us take a look at our parents’ desire to control:

1. The strong manifestation of our parents’ desire to control us< /p>

1. Read your child’s diary

2. Don’t let your children make random friends

For example, parents will ask their children not to make friends with people who are not good at studying/ People from single-parent families/single people, etc., socialize with people they despise.

What’s more serious is that even if you are in your twenties or thirties, they still interfere with your food, clothing, housing and transportation, and make you do what they want.

3. Work

I hope that my children will find a stable job and not take risks. Some families are forcing their children to start a business, etc.

4. Urgent marriage

Arrange blind dates for children and control their marriages. I know that this phenomenon is very common in rural areas. On the other hand, without the forcing and urging of their parents, or that kind of forced arrangement, many rural children would really not be able to get married (how sad)...

If you are disobedient, they will say, "How could I support such a heartless person like you?" Let me show you", or even worse, scold the child directly.

For example, Teacher Wu Zhihong mentioned an example in his own family. His grandparents directly shouted at his parents' unfilial piety from the loudspeaker in the village...

The common reason used by parents is: I don't have it yet. It's for your own good, why don't I care about others?

Why can’t they ever be idle? That's because they're afraid of losing control of you. In the name of love, your life is under my control!

2. Parents’ weak control performance

1. Always in poor health

This means that as long as the children are around them, they will always say, I have all kinds of problems with myself, and it seems that I never get better.

2. I am always worried about you

That’s the kind of thing that no matter how old you are, you will always be a child in front of your parents.

(In this way, they will worry about everything in your life)

This kind of worrying will make you feel very uncomfortable, because the subtext behind it is: you are so useless .

3. Never happy.

This kind of parents always complains and complains in front of their children.

As everyone knows, this has a great impact on children. You will find that many people cannot laugh because they feel that laughing is sinful. Otherwise, it is a betrayal of parents.

This behavior also happened to me, and I even practiced smiling specifically for this purpose.

4. Parents are good at creating guilt and self-blame

Some parents will often say, "If it weren't for you, I would have divorced your dad a long time ago", "If it weren't for you, I would have divorced you." It will definitely...".

However, in the eyes of the child, all the misfortunes of the parents are caused by themselves, and they dare not be born.

This will make us feel that our parents’ love is very heavy.

5. Your parents always say to you: "My parents are incompetent and our family has no money", or "It's all my fault that my parents are incompetent, otherwise what would have happened".

What corresponds to this behavior is:

Parents have vanity and love to compare with others. As a result, after comparing in a circle, they lamented, "Who made our family have no money?" ”

The hurt caused by the lack of money makes them very discouraged and have a deep sense of powerlessness. What does this mean?

In their eyes, money is everything. All unhappiness/quarrels/don’t look down on/unpopularity and all other misfortunes in life can be equated to lack of money.

This will have a great impact on the child's outlook on life, because when the child grows up, he or she will discover that many things are not simply because the family has no money.

In fact, this phenomenon is the so-called poverty of heart. Not only does it equate all misfortunes with money, but it also pushes the responsibility outward and plays the victim.

And the really correct approach:

Summary:

These are the two types of strong and weak control that our parents adopt over us, which also reveals the deepest feelings in their hearts. of insecurity and fear. These insecurities and fears prompt them to behave irrationally.

Knowing this, the next time something like this happens, at least we know what it is?

Of course, when we educate our children, if a similar situation happens to us one day, we can stop and think about it, or remind ourselves: This is an unhealthy desire to control.

That would be the best gift for your child!