Stop, damn it, there has been a theft. . .

Come on, take off your pants and jerk off. Brother, what do you want?

Cut the crap and come on.

Dude, it's over. once again

Brother, what do you want? Cut the crap and keep playing.

Go ahead. Brother, this is the third time.

Brother, even if you kill me, you can't type it.

okay

Sister, come out.

Listen, kid, getting my sister downtown safely is a super funny joke.

First, the director's two surnames are the most difficult to call: Fu (deputy) as the director and Zheng (Zheng) as the deputy director.

Second, the boss: Remember, the customer is always right. Employee: Really? Boss: Of course. Employee: Yesterday, a customer said that the person who opened a shop here was an idiot. Boss: Why are you late today? Clerk: Because you announced yesterday that you can only read newspapers at home.

3. When the rent is due, Yang Er doesn't want to renew it, so he asks the landlord to check out. When the landlord came to inspect the house, he found that there were three holes in the curtain, so he asked 50 yuan for compensation for the hole. Yang Er asked, "Are you sure about 50 yuan for a hole?" The landlord nodded. I saw that these two goods picked up cigarette butts and ironed three small holes in the curtain into a big hole, and then gave the landlord 50 yuan, saying, "If you can save one hundred, you can save one hundred."

4. Teacher: "Daxiong, the teacher gave you 90 yuan, and then you borrowed 10 yuan from Pang Hu. How much money do you have?" Nobita: "0 yuan." Teacher: "You don't know math at all!" " Nobita: "You don't know anything about Pang Hu!

During the intermission in the theater, the husband bought a glass of beer. Wife: You swear not to drink for two months! Husband: Honey, according to the program, the time between the first act and the second act is one year apart!

6. a: "this gentleman! A charity nursing home will be built in the local area. I hope everyone can respond to the donation. Contribute a strength! " B: "OK, but I don't have any cash on me. I'll sign a check for you! " A: "Well, sir, I'm sorry, you didn't sign it." B: "I never leave my name when I do good deeds!" " "

Seven, two missionaries were caught by cannibals, put into a pot and lit to cook. After a while, Missionary A suddenly laughed. B is puzzled. A explanation: I just peed in the soup, hehe.

8. A middle-aged woman was chatting. The woman said, "What's bothering you young people? Just go to bed and have a rest! " This verb is absolutely necessary!

Nine, the Spring Festival is coming soon. My family has a pig and a donkey. Do you think I should kill pigs or donkeys? You say kill the pig, I say the donkey thinks so, you say kill the donkey, I say the pig thinks so.

10. The former chief executive was Su Bo, and the initials were used to replace the signatures of internal documents. It was not until later that this acronym became popular on the Internet.

Xi。 "Do you know why we can feel each other's heartbeat strongly when we hug?" "Is it because we love each other deeply and have a heart in mind?" "No, it's because your chest is flat."

Lao Zhang: Lao Li's laundry is about to open! What should we send? Lao Wang: Send a plaque. Lao Zhang: What should I write on it? Lao Wang: Just write my innocence!

Thirteen, I used to admire a person's courage, that is, knowing that his stomach is not good, he still has to fart hard. Now I don't need it, I just need to admire myself. Just in a meeting, I want to fart, but I'm afraid of sleeping, so I cut corners and want to finish it at once. As a result, I forgot that my stomach is not good, and now the whole company smells like shit.

14. I ran this morning and saw two sisters in front of me. I felt unable to run. I got up the courage to strike up a conversation: "Hey, why didn't the beauty run away?" Beauty: "Tired, I can't run." I touched her breasts and ran away.

15. In the final history exam, there is a question: Who do you admire more, Qin Shihuang or Han Wudi? A student replied: I appreciate Qin Shihuang better, because he burned books to bury Confucianism, and students didn't have to go to school!

Sixteen, some time ago, the physical examination of the unit, a colleague's fat blood vessels are not obvious. The doctor gave several injections and didn't draw blood. He said helplessly, "Comrade, you are really ~ well, you are really strong." Colleagues are very honest, "doctor, I am not strong, I am fat."

Seventeen, a person always farts at work, and colleagues can't help but say: Can you keep quiet? Then I saw him sitting there trembling. Colleagues asked him what he was doing, and he replied, I am tuned to vibration now!

Teacher: Now please make a sentence. There must be the word "sugar" in this sentence. Student: I'm drinking tea. Teacher: Where is the sugar? Student: In the tea.

Nineteen, mm went to take a bath, and people around her asked: How old are you? A dozen? Mm felt glad and said, I am 27 years old. The man was startled: No way! Your breasts don't look like a 27-year-old!

20. On the first day of Beijing's vehicle single and even number restrictions, the bus was full of passengers ... one person was too crowded. He shouted, "Don't crowd, I've been to several fucking stops! Another buddy: "What are you talking about? I was just passing by, and I was squeezed into the car "... a brother in his 40 s squeezed his head out of the gap and shouted," Excuse me, excuse me, I'm a fucking driver. Who is driving now? " ! ……

Twenty-one, my wife has always been careful and careful. Every time I put the egg white left in the egg shell on my hands or even my face, it is said to be the best beauty and skin care product in protein. Today, my son caught a cold and suddenly sneezed behind me in the kitchen, making his face runny, so I scratched it with an eggshell. When cleaning up, my wife came in and used to pick up the eggshell and smear it evenly on her face. She also muttered, "There are many egg whites left today!" "Seeing this, I quickly took my son out of the kitchen.

22. Q: If your goddess was called the moon, what would you call it? A: Bright. Q: If your goddess' name was Liangliang, what would you call it? A: Meng Liang.

Twenty-three, a female colleague is cleaning the glass today. It is difficult for her because she is tall and short and doesn't want to bend over. I told her: you change your posture, so tired. Then we both froze.

Twenty-four, the money counter is really a very sad commodity. If it is sold, it will help to count the money.

Teacher: Classmate, if you are a teacher, what do you want to say to your students most? The students silently stepped onto the platform and said thoughtfully, class is over, students.

Twenty-six, children like to bite nipples when they are young, so the nipples on the bottle at home are bitten. My wife asked me to go to the nursery to buy two after work. When I arrived at the nursery, I found my nipples hanging behind the front desk. So he said to the girl standing at the front desk, "Girl, show me your nipples!" " "The girl blushed and asked," Can a girl look at her nipples casually? "

Twenty-seven, the teacher asked the students: "How come your exam results are not as good as you playing basketball?" Student: "Teacher, there is cooperation on the basketball court, but there is no cooperation in the examination room!" " "

Twenty-eight, another interesting thing about driving test. I heard from a friend that when he took his driver's license test. The first person to get on the bus was a girl. At that time, the girl was very excited and opened the door and went up. At this time, the girl was deceived. Tell the examiner why this car doesn't have a steering wheel. The coach said: Sister, you have a steering wheel in the back seat!

Twenty-nine, college roommate, smoking burned a soybean-sized hole in his pants and thighs. I advised him not to wear it. Female students saw it very unsightly. This guy ignored it, kept wearing it and said to me, in your eyes, this is just a small hole. For female students, this is a fatal temptation!

Thirty, my girlfriend just woke up and grabbed my ear and said, "Did you peek at the beautiful woman while I was sleeping?" I repeatedly argued and said, "No!" This time, she pulled harder and swore: "What! I slept for so long that you didn't even look at me! "

3 1. When the police received the complaint and stopped them, the couple were having a heated argument. An angry woman opened the door. Policeman: Who is the head of the family? W: I'll tell you later. My husband and I are deciding this matter!

32. A couple were fishing by the river, and the lady always quarreled. After a while, the fish took the bait, and the lady said, this fish is really poor. The husband said, yes, just shut up.

Thirty-three, "Why do you want to do this?" Officer Li closed the file and said slowly. "I am a poor man, and I am afraid of being poor all my life. I'm afraid my son is like me, so ... ""I can understand your parents' difficulties, but ... "Officer Li changed the subject." Is that why you sold your son to the rich? ! "

Thirty-four, I was photographed when I turned right at the intersection last night. I've been thinking all night, and I don't understand why it's illegal! I tried to drive again this morning, damn it, twice!

35. In the moonlight, the man sang softly to the woman: You asked me how much I love you, and the moon represents my heart. The woman snapped: Nima, I knew you were not single-minded to me. Tell me, from the first day to the fifteenth day, which day did your heart not change? ! Man: ...

Thirty-six, I went to the drugstore to buy medicine today, and a beautiful girl happened to come. When she came, she directly asked the boss if she regretted taking the medicine. The boss said there are 8 yuan's, 10 yuan's and 15 yuan's. Which one do you want? Then the pretty girl said it would be better to get a 15 yuan one. As soon as I heard it, I asked the boss if he really had regret medicine and gave me a box. The boss said it was birth control pills! fuck/damn it

Thirty-seven, two cars collided. A looked at the car and said it was ok. Let's drink some wine to suppress our shock. B said to drink after drinking. A said, thank you I won't drink until the traffic police have finished investigating.

Classic shocking jokes of funny quotations

The centipede was bitten by a snake, so it must be amputated to prevent the spread of virus liquid! The centipede thought: fortunately, I have many legs ~! ! The doctor consoled, relax, brother, and you will be an earthworm in the future. ...

A farmer will kill the chicken tomorrow, and feed it at night, saying, eat quickly, this is your last meal! The next day, I saw the chicken lying down, leaving a suicide note: I have taken rat poison, you don't want to eat me. I'm not fucking easy to mess with ~

A group of ants climbed up the elephant's back, but were knocked down by the earthquake. Only one ant sticks to the elephant's neck. The ant below shouted: strangle him, strangle him, demo, it's backwards!

Many cocks chased a hen, and the hen was moved when she saw that one of the cocks bowed his head and said nothing. Wedding night, hen: You are so cool. Why didn't you scream? Rooster: I drank too much that day ... I was afraid of vomiting.

Xiao Lv asked the old donkey: Why do we eat hay every day? The old donkey sighed: We can't compete with others. We eat by running errands, while others eat by their breasts!

A shop keeps a parrot. When the customer came in, he said welcome. A girl didn't believe it. She left six times. The parrot said it six times in a row. The seventh time, the parrot said angrily, Boss, someone is playing with your bird!

The child stole the parrot kept in the brothel. As soon as he entered the door, the parrot called, Move! Seeing his mother, he shouted: The boss has changed, too! Seeing his sister, he shouted, Miss has changed! Seeing his father, he shouted, I'm still an old customer!

A little dog climbed onto your dining table and crawled towards a roast chicken. You said angrily, if you dare to do anything to that roast chicken, I will dare to do anything to you. The dog licked the chicken's ass and you fainted. The dog said happily, let's see who is tough.

When you were walking on the road, a bitch jumped on you, bit off a piece of meat from your foot and swallowed it quickly. When you put out your foot to kick it, the dog said with tears: You fight, anyway, I already have your flesh and blood in my stomach!

Mike: Sorry, teacher, I'm late. I dreamed of a football match. Teacher: Then why did it make you late? Mike: Because the two teams were tied, they played overtime.

The son takes his girlfriend home: Mom, she is a very good girl. She can wash clothes, cook, cook and do housework. Mother: Well, I agree to hire her and let her come every Tuesday and Thursday.

Secretary: Are you busy during my vacation? Colleague: Nothing. Everyone shared your work. I read the newspaper, Xiao Zhang chatted on the phone, and Xiao Liu flirted with the boss.

One day, the wife of a gentleman gave birth to a baby. He hurried to visit the hospital. After waiting for n hours, there was crying in the delivery room. He shouted happily, I'm dad! At this time, the doctor came out with a sad face and told him that the child was born deformed. A gentleman stayed there and didn't understand why. Suddenly, his wife's crying came from the delivery room: it was all because of the murder that day. If you don't reply, you will get what you deserve.

Father: "Did I put the letter I asked you to bring in the report box this morning?" Son: "Report? Oh, yes, you forgot to write your name, or I added it! "

At the military meeting of a small country, one person: Iraq is at war, and we should send them a tank. Second person: We should send them two tanks. Third person: Why not give them all three cars?

A group of people went camping at the seaside. A person has been eating fried soybeans on the road. Everyone was afraid that his fart would "kill him all his life" and advised him not to eat any more. He said, "You will camp later, and I will fry fish in the sea!" " Honey, I miss you again. My love for you is increasing sharply every day, because someone told me that "pork has gone up in price and can be sold at a good price!" " "

The headmaster recognized one of his former students: Are you John? "Yes, headmaster." "You see, I never forget the students' names. What are you doing now? " "Teaching under you"

When the family goes to the theatre, they all buy tickets upstairs, but the son always looks down on the railing. Father said to mother, don't let him fall, the first-class ticket is downstairs, and it will be troublesome to make up the ticket if it falls.

The girl in the church said to an old man, please donate some money for God. The old man waved his hand: Don't bother you. I believe I will meet God before you, and then I will give him the money directly.

Patient: Doctor, are you sure I have pneumonia? Sometimes, doctors are treating pneumonia, but patients die of other diseases. The doctor smiled: When I was treating pneumonia, the patient died of pneumonia.

The shop sells plaid pajamas with numbers. Clinton was very surprised. The salesman explained: If a flea bites you at night, you can say to your lover, "Levin, please scratch in the box 17."

Morrison bought a new pair of shoes, but she didn't wear them. A week later, the wife asked, "Why don't you wear those shoes?" "You can wear it tomorrow. When I bought it, the salesman said that the shoes would pinch a little in the first week. "

202 1 Classic Funny Quotations _ Super Funny

1. Xiao Li went to see the art exhibition. She stood in front of a painting and studied it for a long time.

I wish I could know the author of this painting.

The painter stepped forward with joy: You really have an eye for appreciation. I am the author of this painting.

Xiaoli said: this painting is great!

Can you tell me where the lady in the picture can buy the skirt she is wearing?

2. It's cool to meet twenty aunts and grandmothers who have never been on a plane.

First all kinds of photos, all kinds of food, and then before landing, I squeezed into the window and looked at the ground.

When waiting to leave the cabin after landing, someone called the back door to get off!

So a lot of aunts packed their bags and rushed to the back cabin.

The stewardess was photographed at the door of the toilet. Alas, I am going to die today.

3. Why are you like this? What a fucking coward! I dare not fart at the critical moment!

B: Try farting when you have diarrhea!

I was eating snacks just now, and my wife told me to give her something to eat and let me feed her with my mouth open.

I suddenly had a convulsion in my head, swinging from side to side above her head with a snack, saying jump and catch.

My wife reached out and slapped me!

5. Chatting with a female best friend last night, LZ: What are you doing?

Girlfriend: How do you know? (A bunch of shy expressions in the back)

What do I know? Who can tell me?

6. Husband: Honey, give me some money. I want to buy a Hongtashan!

Wife: No, no smoking!

Husband: Everyone smokes. Why can't I?

Wife: Do you want to smoke when others smoke?

Husband: Yes!

Wife: What about the man pumping crazy mud? Husband:

7. Take the bus in the morning, because it is the starting station, but it is still crowded. The driver is a woman.

It was nothing at first, but suddenly she said, everybody in, in,

Time's up, it's about to roll over (start)!

I also stressed that this was the beginning, but I was still scared silly. Sauce purple is really delicious ~

early in the morning

8. My husband loves beauty more and more now, and his clothes are not as mixed as before. They are brand new from the inside out.

Wash your hair every morning, and then do your hair in the mirror.

And wear skin care products every day.

Should I go shopping with him?

Buy everything you usually like to go back, because it's too expensive to buy.

Then tell him that beauty comes at a price.

9. The landlord's two brothers gave a little in advance every time their parents bought snacks or something when they were young.

My eldest brother and I eat slowly, and my second brother eats fast.

You lie to me or rob me every time you finish eating,

He ran in front and I cried after him. When I caught up with him, I had finished eating.

Then I cried, and my parents called my eldest brother as soon as they saw it.

Here, give some to your sister. Look at her crying.

Haha, my poor big brother.

10. My family is ill in the hospital, in the neurology ward.

In fact, my illness is not serious. I don't have to accompany him every day. I just took a week off.

They all said I was filial or something, and I was ashamed.

In fact, the purpose ...

It's to meet a hot little intern nurse, because I guess I won't see her after I leave the hospital.

I really want to get sick now, and I'm going crazy.

1 1. I played with my wife today, but I didn't hit her. She weighs 190 Jin, and I weigh 1 15 Jin.

She hit me with her head down, and I couldn't stop her.

I usually eat more than two people, and I feel hopeless.

Daughter-in-law, we will be fine in the future. Stop fighting! ?

12. My number is always promoted by various attributes.

When a woman called to say hello, we were in XX Total Price Store, and the down payment was only * *, no house purchase, no loan,

I am very excited to answer: ah? Really? Where is it?

There is such a cheap shop, hmm. . . (Disappointed) It's a pity that I have no money.

The other party petrified immediately after listening.

13. In our country, at that time, all the food was put in the room for fear of being eaten by rats.

Just put some rat poison in the corner of the room.

Listen to my mother, when I was a child, I asked her to hold me and climb.

Once I poured water, because the water boiled, and put me on the sofa.

It disappeared in the blink of an eye. When I found it, I found that I was taking rat poison in another room.

At that time, I was scared silly, saying that I grew up so big and had a hard life. . .

14. When I was a child, my family was poor and I didn't see much money.

When I was in Tomb-Sweeping Day, I bought Mingbi at home. When I saw it, I secretly took a dozen of five dollars.

Laughing to death, I hurried to the store to buy food, and almost didn't make the shopkeeper laugh.

15. I go to work by bus. This morning, the beautiful woman in the next seat fell asleep and snored.

I hit her so hard that everyone was looking at her, so I gave her a gentle push.

I don't think so, she said slowly. Well, my husband doesn't want it.

I'm so tired. Let's do it tomorrow. How about tomorrow?

16. My girlfriend has a second-rate girlfriend. I met her on my way home one day and told me at the top of my voice that your wife was cooking chicken at home!

For an instant, pedestrians' eyes shot at me, and Nima said that cooking would kill people.

17. Lao Wang is a doctor. Once, a painter friend asked him to appreciate a portrait of a dying man he painted.

After watching it again and again, he said that this man had a heart attack.

18. The coach said that all monks in xx Temple had cocoons on their hands.

Not surprisingly, the students said, we understand. Is that because of practicing kung fu?

The coach shook his head and said, no, it isn't, because they are lonely at night.

The students understood in a few seconds.

19. I was hospitalized with a fever. Pretty nurse from the hospital walked by, looked at the infusion bag and asked me how my fever was.

I said, it's cooked!

20. The company organizes exams, and female colleagues hide the answers in their skirts. The invigilator is a male colleague.

After discovering her behavior, the male colleague thought for a long time.

Let female colleagues stand up and take two steps,

The woman said: This is an exam. How can I have time to walk with you?

When the bus stopped, a beautiful woman told the driver that I had no money. How about a kiss to pay for the ticket?

The driver thought about it and agreed. That beautiful girl was really kissed on the face by the driver.

Without further ado, an old man behind saw the driver's face, kissed it a few times and said:

I forgot my money, too. The driver turned green with a snort.

That woman is my wife.

22. In an art gallery, a woman stood in front of a portrait of a beggar.

Cried in surprise: the beggar doesn't even have a decent dress, but he can afford someone to paint him.

23. Xiao Ming, who is attending the art design class in the university, heard the bell ring and ran out in a hurry.

I accidentally knocked over a bottle of glue and it broke.

Mix the chips with glue and a brush for gluing.

When Xiao Ming came back, he found this pile of things missing.

It turned out that someone handed it in as a modernist design exercise.

24. Drive out today! At the intersection, I saw the traffic police holding an alcohol tester to stop the car! Stop me and let me blow.

I just blew it, and the tester showed that it exceeded the standard!

Oh, my God, have I been drinking?

I just eat too much and I'm going to be old six! ! !

25. Eating fish with relish at lunch, my roommate said beside me:

The news reported that a man was stuck by a fishbone and died after being sent to hospital for rescue ~

Ok, I drink coke, and my roommate said that drinking too much of this blended drink is bad for my health and my teeth ~

Okay, I can bear it. I am so happy to eat chestnuts.

She said beside, experts say it is good to eat six or seven chestnuts a day.

Eating too much after a meal blocks the stomach and is easy to get fat.

I

That's enough. Can people eat well? Let's talk about life.