Even the word "apology day" is on the hot search.
Many people have apologized recently.
Prior to this, Jing M.Guo and JUNG WOO staged a "century apology"; Then came the cotton age. Pinduoduo apologized for his behavior, but was ridiculed by netizens.
Talk show actor Shi Yan joked that it is imperative for Weibo to set up a special "apology list".
You should apologize if you did something wrong. This is knowledge.
But many people regard apology as a good medicine to solve all problems-"I've said I'm sorry, what else do you want?"
Why are there some "sorry"? It doesn't matter if you can't change a word.
In the book, Dr. Lerner teaches us to recognize those insincere apologies and guide those who have done wrong to realize their mistakes.
To tell the truth, we have long been tired of those pretentious "apologies".
What we really need is a sincere apology, and actions speak louder than words.
Apologize letter in the cotton age
Why does it cause group ridicule?
Some time ago, the cotton age was pushed to the forefront because of the alleged video advertisement "insulting women". They responded quickly and issued an apology in the official Weibo.
I thought they would sincerely express their apologies in the letter of apology, reflect on their mistakes and give some compensation measures.
As a result, I didn't expect a full two-page 74-line apology letter, only the first four lines were apologies.
The remaining 80% describes the development experience of the company 1 1 year, including the loss of corporate governance quality of 30 million, which has driven cotton farmers out of poverty and become rich. ...
Some netizens ridiculed: "So smug, I thought the cotton age was writing a letter of commendation."
A "lack of sincerity" is not enough to accurately describe this apology letter in the cotton era.
Dr Lerner introduced five wrong ways of apologizing in Why Don't You Apologize, and one of the most typical mistakes was the "irresponsible apology" in the cotton age.
The most typical "apology for evading responsibility" is "I'm sorry for the trouble", which is a hypocritical apology.
Dr Lerner gave an example. On one occasion, under the premise of her repeated emphasis, her partner still made a mistake about the photos in her promotional materials.
She was very angry and pointed out the problem to the other party. The other party just said, "I'm sorry, I didn't expect photos to be so important to you."
Dr. Lerner retorted, "The problem is that I let you use the photos I provided."
The other party is still saying, "I apologize for bothering you with the photo."
See where the problem is?
Dr. Lerner pointed out that we should apologize because we realize that our actions have led to serious results and we must take responsibility for our wrong actions.
Therefore, if you really want to apologize, the focus should be on the behavior of the apologist, that is, "What did I do wrong?"
Just like her partner, if she sincerely apologizes, she should admit that she made a mistake in her work and was too careless to make a brochure as she asked.
After all, the victim's unhappiness is just a consequence. As an apology, you should apologize for the cause of this consequence-that is, what you did wrong.
The words "I'm sorry to bother you" seem harmless, but they are actually avoiding their own "mistakes" and their own responsibilities.
In the cotton age, in their letters of apology, they repeatedly stressed that they had failed to live up to everyone's trust and hurt everyone's feelings, but they never mentioned anything they had done wrong.
The question is, as an apology, is it still an apology if you don't even mention what you did wrong?
If you do something wrong, but don't admit what you did wrong, just keep saying "make you unhappy", which is tantamount to implying:
"Although I make you unhappy, I did the right thing. You are unhappy because you are too sensitive. "
It is conceivable how sincere such an "apology" is.
Not every "sorry"
Can be changed back to "it doesn't matter"
In addition to the apology of "shirking responsibility", Dr. Lerner also introduced four wrong apologies. One of the most popular ways to apologize is the "bargaining" apology.
The so-called bargaining apology means that the apologist feels that as long as he apologizes, the other party must forgive himself.
They always say "can you forgive me" and "please forgive me", and take apologies as bargaining chips. If the other person doesn't forgive himself, he feels that he has suffered.
They can't understand that apologizing is self-reflection, and the victim has no obligation to forgive himself, thinking that apologizing can be forgiven. Such an apology is not sincere at all.
Li Songwei, a psychological counselor, told a story. He once witnessed a couple quarreling in a restaurant. The boy kept apologizing: "I said I'm sorry. What do you want from me? "
The girl just silently shed tears and didn't say a word. The boy said, "I said it won't happen again. What do you want from me? "
The girl finally spoke: "Yes, what else can I ask you?"
Then the boy began to repeat: "I said I'm sorry, I have ..."
The two men were deadlocked for a long time, and finally the girl left and the boy hurried out. Before long, only the boy ran back and drank the wine angrily.
Li Songwei later summed up his feelings in one sentence:
"Sorry, this thing can't just be a convenient tool!"
It's like a spell or a magic button. If you say it, the other person won't get angry.
But the problem is that an apology should be a heartfelt confession, not a tool or transaction for you to gain trust.
You don't have to say "sorry" to get a "never mind" response.
"The word' I'm sorry' should not be used to seek forgiveness."
What we really need is an apology.
What is it like?
Seeing this, some people may ask, what are those sincere apologies?
Dr Lerner gave several criteria:
For example, apologizing for "but" means admitting your mistake first and then pointing out the other person's problems.
The word "but" can erase all the previous information, and no matter whether the situation described in the "but" part is true or not, it will make the apology hypocritical.
Because the subtext of this expression is: "You see, in this case, my wrong behavior is completely understandable!" "
This kind of apology, in fact, still focuses on yourself, describes yourself as a victim, and overemphasizes your feelings.
Second, it will not be understated.
When many people apologize, they just say, "I'm sorry for the inconvenience."
It sounds as cold as "Welcome, thank you for your patronage".
What a disappointing apology! The harm others get is just what they call "inconvenience".
Therefore, a sincere apology will never underestimate the harm suffered by the victims.
Third, take remedial action.
If you get your friend's clothes dirty, apologize for not washing them ten times, or pay to send them to the laundry, how can you really apologize?
"Apologizing without remedial action will only make people feel empty and hypocritical."
These three criteria remind me that in May last year, a overturned car in Luo Yonghao was broadcast live, but it was finally praised for its sincere apology.
Luo Yonghao was selling flowers in the studio at that time. Unexpectedly, after the flowers were sent out, many consumers said that the flowers were dry and black.
Although this is the supplier's pot, consumers only spend money on flowers because they believe in Luo Yonghao. I didn't expect them to encounter such a situation, and everyone felt very disappointed.
So how did Luo Yonghao make up for it?
Then, he did not hesitate to fight with the supplier, angrily denounced the other party for "having the courage to send thousands of burnt flowers" and stood with the consumers;
Finally, he gave a very sincere compensation plan-asking the supplier for a full refund, and paying for it himself, and compensating all consumers in cash at the original price.
Such an apology not only admits his mistake, but also takes out real money to compensate the other party. No wonder things were solved perfectly in one day.
?
At the end of Why Don't You Apologize, Dr. Lerner wrote a passage:
"'Sorry' is the most healing word in human language. When we sincerely apologize, these three words can keep the injured party away from anger and pain and reduce the harm we have caused to others. "
Many times, we ask the other party to apologize, not melodramatic, not deliberately embarrassing the other party, but really suffering after being hurt.
If the other party sincerely apologizes, it will at least make people feel that "I am not the only one suffering, and the other party is also taking responsibility for its own mistakes."
On the other hand, if the other party refuses to admit the mistake, our injury will be further deepened.
We are not saints, and we are bound to make mistakes. Sincere apologies, like lubricants, repair the fragile trust between people.
It's like a line in the Japanese drama "Where is my skirt". ：
"When you can say thank you and sorry, you can survive in this society."
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