"If there is no harmonious spirit, the family will not be prosperous; if there is no violent spirit, the family will not decline."

The meaning of this sentence is that harmonious There is no family that does not prosper; there is no family without harmony that does not decline.

Zhu Bolulu also wrote in "Zhu Xi's Family Instructions": The family is harmonious, and although the food is not good, there is still happiness.

It means that the family is harmonious and safe, and even though it lacks food and clothing, it still feels happy.

A harmonious family makes everything prosper. This is a saying of wisdom passed down from thousands of years of Chinese culture.

Family harmony is closely related to the dedication of every family member.

Fathers are kind, sons are filial, husbands and wives are submissive, brothers, friends, and brothers are respectful, and aunts are kind and wives listen. These are the foundations of family harmony.

01. A happy family must have a sense of boundaries

So, how should family members get along harmoniously?

Psychologist Bert Hellinger wrote in "The Order of Love":

"The biggest source of family tragedy is the misalignment of family member relationships."< /p>

Bert Hellinger believes that in the family system, there is hidden the order of "family relationships", which is the order of love.

If you follow the order of love, family members can live in harmony; if the order of love is misplaced, your family will be in constant trouble and full of conflicts.

The misalignment of family member relationships mainly stems from the lack of a sense of boundaries.

Therefore, every family member must have a sense of boundaries while staying closely connected on the basis of mutual respect.

02. A man with high emotional intelligence sets boundaries for mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

My friend Chen Nian (pseudonym) has been married for 6 years and has a 4-year-old child.

The relationship between her and her husband Liu Han (pseudonym) is maintained well. Although I have been living with my mother-in-law since I got married, the family atmosphere is very harmonious.

Of course, Liu Han has the greatest credit for this.

Liu Han was born in a single-parent family. Her father-in-law passed away due to illness more than ten years ago. He and his mother-in-law support each other, rely on each other, and have a good relationship.

For the middle-aged widowed mother-in-law, she single-handedly trained Liu Han to go to college, and then helped buy a house and prepare for the wedding...

Chen Nian, who is also a woman, admires her , and there is some sympathy.

But admiration is admiration, and sympathy is sympathy. There are still inevitable conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

Fortunately, Liu Han can carry things clearly. He didn't take sides, he just drew boundaries between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

What are boundaries?

George Dade wrote in "Self-Boundaries":

"The so-called boundary is to let your things belong to you and my things belong to me."

03. Only by maintaining a sense of boundaries can mother-in-law and daughter-in-law live in harmony

Chen Nian and her mother-in-law are of different ages, grew up in different environments, had different educational backgrounds, and had different outlooks.

In short, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are very different in all aspects, and these differences will be reflected in every corner of life.

For example, my mother-in-law can’t stand Chen Nian dressing up and showing off every day; she can’t stand Chen Nian buying expensive skin care products; she can’t stand Chen Nian shopping online from time to time...

Liu Han told her mother-in-law that these matters are Chen Nian's business, she will be responsible for her own affairs, and you should not interfere with her.

For example, Chen Nian couldn't bear to see her mother-in-law pampering her children too much when raising her children. Not only did she not train her children to eat independently, she also fed them while watching a tablet.

Liu Han said that her mother-in-law has been taking care of the children's life since they were young, and she is responsible for it, so she should take the lead. You can push things aside, but you can't force corrections.

Unless you can avoid asking your mother-in-law to help take care of the children.

In fact, many problems and conflicts in married life are mostly caused by unclear boundaries.

After Liu Han's division of responsibilities, Chen Nian and her mother-in-law have always been able to maintain a good sense of boundaries and get along fairly harmoniously.

04. My mother-in-law was unwilling to go back to her parents’ home to visit her mother during the Lantern Festival

This year’s Spring Festival, Chen Nian and Liu Han took their children and went back to their parents’ home to pay New Year’s greetings on the third day of the first lunar month.

Chen Nian married far away. My parents' home is in a small county town more than 300 kilometers away, and it takes more than 5 hours of driving back home.

Chen Nian suffers from motion sickness, busy work, and children, so she rarely goes back.

When she returned during the Spring Festival, Chen Nian learned that her mother was in poor health. Feeling guilty, she stayed at her parents' house for one more day and hurried back to work on the sixth day of the Lunar New Year.

Unexpectedly, just a few days after I started working, I received a call from my brother saying that my mother’s condition had worsened and the doctor recommended surgery.

Although it was not a major surgery, Chen Nian decided to take leave and go back to take care of it.

Liu Han knew that she got carsick and was worried about her running around alone on the road. He planned to drive her back and visit her mother-in-law.

As for the 4-year-old child, I left it to my mother-in-law to take care of her for two days.

However, my mother-in-law was not happy. She felt that just two days after Chen Nian came back from her parents' home, she wanted to run away to her parents' home again and took Liu Han away with her. She was very unbalanced mentally.

Furthermore, the family's economic conditions are average. This round trip will cost at least two to three thousand yuan, not counting the two people's wages being deducted for taking leave.

What's more, the Lantern Festival is coming soon, leaving her, an old lady and a child at home...

The more my mother-in-law thought about it, the more unwilling she became. < /p>

The more the mother-in-law talked, the more excited she became, and in the end she threatened directly: "You must go back, there is nothing I can do, but I have been feeling unwell for the past two days and cannot take care of the child."

Chen Nian was already irritable and a little emotional when her mother-in-law said this. When she was about to speak, Liu Han stopped her and asked her to go back to her room first.

When Chen Nian entered the room, Liu Han sat in front of her mother-in-law and persuaded: "Mom, you also know that as people get older, they have more physical problems. Who is celebrating the New Year? I don’t want this either.

Didn’t you always say that filial piety comes first? If Xiaonian’s mother is ill and undergoes surgery, should she go back and show her filial piety if it were you? What will you think if I don’t take care of you?

Whether Xiaonian comes back or not is her business, so don’t interfere with her. If you are not feeling well, take a good rest at home and I will take care of the child. Take it with us..."

05. The words of a man with high emotional intelligence to defend family happiness

After listening to Liu Han's words, the mother-in-law was speechless.

The next day, my mother-in-law got up very early, bought some fruit, milk, and gave Chen Nian 2,000 yuan to take to her in-laws.

It turned out that the mother-in-law had already figured it out and asked Chen Nian to leave the child at home and celebrate the Lantern Festival with her.

Hellinger once said: "A good family must have a sense of boundaries."

But many times, mothers-in-law are limited by themselves and do not understand what a sense of boundaries is. At this time, men need to take responsibility.

Because he and his mother-in-law not only have a blood relationship, but also have trust and attachment formed by living together for a long time, and they also have a relationship of nurturing and feedback responsibilities.

Therefore, the role of men in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is crucial.

As the saying goes, if the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are close, the whole family will be harmonious, and everything will be prosperous if the family is harmonious.

Only when a man is responsible can the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law be harmonious, and the family be harmonious. When the family is harmonious, happiness will be with you.

As Goethe said: "Whether you are a king or a farmer, family harmony is the happiest."

When you reach a certain age, you see the truth of life clearly and have experienced the hardships of the world. , you will understand that for a man, the greatest success in life is family happiness.

May you also have a happy family.