I don’t know since when, when faced with repeated setbacks in marriage, the workplace, and society in a stubborn way, people will trace their roots back to their childhood experiences to explore and pursue the life trajectory and way of life formed by this. . After reading Professor Meg Jay's book "We have all been hurt, but we have a better life", I saw that every life experience can be cultivated into a disease like a clam becomes a pearl. Children are a precious asset, and children also have many excellent qualities worth learning, even if they encounter childhood adversity brought by their original family.
Statistics show that 75% of people have experienced childhood trauma. These experiences have a lasting impact on the victims of childhood trauma, and they hide the dark side of their childhood and only grapple with it quietly where others cannot see it. However, some people can tenaciously step out of the shadows, return to normal life, and even achieve success and achievements beyond ordinary people. These people are just like the English name of this book, Supernormal, and are called - supernormal people.
1. Childhood adversity can stimulate the inner resilience of life
Resilience refers to a person’s ability to show strength when faced with adversity, trauma, tragedy, or ongoing major stress. Self-adaptability.
? 2. Every resilient child has a starting story.
Everyone has many flashbulb memories in their life, but the one that has the most profound impact on a person is the earliest starting story. That's the story of the hurt, and it's a very important image of childhood adversity for people.
When children are frightened at a very young age, the tension and fear will activate people's most primitive self-protection abilities, and they will either fight or run away. At this point, the language system begins to shut down, and alexithymia occurs—the inability to understand what is happening and to express it in words. These injuries will gradually become a secret, hidden deep in the subconscious mind. As Carl Jung said, when your subconscious does not enter your consciousness, that is your destiny.
3. Grow into a supernormal
Nietzsche has a famous saying, "Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger." The blows and setbacks caused by childhood adversity will also Make people become more powerful and have some super abilities that others don't have.
1. Anger arouses fighting spirit
Anger can give people a sense of existence, make people recognize the reality and realize their own value. People often say that it is better to be angry than to live up to expectations. Anger itself is also the beginning of healing. It is a positive way of self-help.
Having a high morale will teach you to respond positively to stress, much like exercise. "We become stronger and more capable through hard practice." This is what British child psychiatrist Michael Rutter calls the "hardening effect."
2. Internally generate a self-protection mechanism to escape reality - out of focus
Escape from real life and enter another world can quickly change children from fear Rescued from a helpless state, it may be creation, it may be another completely different way of life. We can appropriately apply it to meditation escape, but do not overdo it to avoid the formation of paranoia. JK Rowling’s coffee shop writing and Jin Yong’s martial arts concepts in his study are not all in the same way.
3. The anticipation of pain cultivates a high degree of alertness
Children who have experienced violence are more alert and sensitive to the surrounding environment, and are better at observing words and colors than others, and are better at understanding. The beginning of other people's subtle, little storms. When you grow up, this vigilance will evolve into a strong professional ability.
The downside is that long-term stress can cause permanent damage to the amygdala, and people only perform best under moderate amounts of stress.
4. Develop strong self-control abilities
Freud once said: "The ability of individuals to control themselves has always been one of the hallmarks of civilization. This ability Let reason surpass passion, let the individual surrender to society, and let the self be stronger than the self.” If people are good at controlling themselves, they can find a completely different development path.
? 5. Learn to mature
The death of one or both parents creates opportunities for people to grow. Although it is by no means a good thing, it does bring understanding, maturity and meticulousness to the children. Sometimes they will feel very lost in the foster family. Although they never express it, these experiences they have learned will help They understand the ways of the world earlier, know how to be grateful, and know how to care for others earlier. They have become children that are different from other people. This is supernormal.
? 6. Use masks to achieve self-protection
In the state of masks, children's inner and outer worlds are separated, and it is easy to develop a schizophrenic personality. When the true inner connection is disconnected, you will be unable to face your heart, have no passion, no desire, and will always live under the cold self. And when you reach a certain stage of life, you will definitely face this problem-finding your true self.
The most effective way is to improve the quality and quantity of interpersonal relationships in children's lives, find ways to make more and better friends, and expand the scope and quality of communication.
? 7. Brings the opportunity to restart life
Changing your name is a kind of restarting, changing a city is also a kind of restarting, studying for a degree again is still a kind of restarting, people can Take advantage of the "second chances" that appear in life, such as marriage, further education, relocation, etc., and use this restart method to break away from the original old environment and change your life.
? ? 8. Formation of anti-heroism
Although I have relied on hard work, struggle, fighting against nature, fighting against the surrounding harsh environment, and even fighting against various crimes since I was a child, I gradually As a person grows up, he is infected with many bad habits and has many shortcomings and mistakes, but such a person is different from us normal people. He is a combative person who can still survive an extremely difficult growth. , you can still slowly do the right thing and become a supernormal.
? 9. Sharing secrets helps heal pain
In fact, everyone has their own secrets to some extent, and this secret will bring feelings of guilt and guilt. and loneliness. This is a common problem. You are not the only one who shoulders this burden. Others are the same and must learn to let go.
10. "Revenge" the past life with a happy and normal lifestyle
The best revenge for the perpetrator is not to be like him, and to all the perpetrators. Regarding our wrong behaviors and bad experiences, we should not turn them into replicas and continue them from generation to generation. We should choose to let ourselves become a supernormal and let everything end here.
Lao Tzu said, good fortune lies on the back of misfortune, and misfortune lies on the back of good fortune. Everything has its pros and cons. 75% of people have suffered childhood adversity, and the 25% of people who have not suffered childhood adversity may not be able to become supernormal due to lack of special experience, thus becoming another kind of "adversity." The suffering you have endured can lead to growth, resilience, and future success. The principle is the same whether adversity and suffering occurs in childhood or adulthood; the outcome differs only by the person's attitude toward it.
I especially like the last paragraph of this book - try to be kind to yourself and the people you meet. Maybe everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle of life. We all know it now, This is actually true for many people.
Yes, but in the face of pain, we always have a choice. We can choose to let others know and understand you, and become a positive hero living in the sun like Iron Man, or we can choose to become a bat. An alternative hero like Xia hides his problems, understands them by himself, and slowly relaxes and digests them.
No matter what, believe that as long as you are willing to take action, you can restart your life!