Author\New Horizons in Grassroots Influence

Parenting is about yourself, the parent, and the “stuff” you bring to the job. You and I both know that parenthood is not a handbook with a colorful cover or an appendix of chapters from infancy to adulthood, and certainly we don't have to take a test or get permission to become parents.

If you ask me, before we decided to start a family, we should have been required to take a course and get a certificate that said: "You have been warned." You're about to embark on the bumpiest roller coaster ride of your life. You want to learn, you want to teach, you want to watch, you want to be watched, you want to guide, you want to be guided. ”

When I was a parent, I had a vision of what my child would become. I would often daydream about a little boy with blue eyes who would eat, Will sleep and will follow all my instructions. Well, I do have a beautiful blue eyed boy, but nothing else is like that

Part of being a parent means we need to understand and learn from ourselves. Recovering from accepted parenthood means we need to understand and be aware of the messages given to us, the wounds we continue to carry, the messages we continue to give ourselves, the judgments, criticisms, and conditioning of our parenthood at first and then. Become our own words, the words we speak to ourselves, consciously or unconsciously.

Our children are not narcissistic extensions of us. They are not here to fit our vision and expectations. , of who they will be and who they should be. Our children are born with a clean slate that they have the potential to do anything, but it is through our criticism, expectations, and conditional love that we become. Judgments are made that undermine our motivation and potential

Our parents, our parents’ parents, and their parents gave us a list of what we “should” be as parents. What kind of person our children "should" be. But that list may not be in sync with who your child is and who they want to be, and that's the problem. Instead, we live a life that “should” be bigger than ourselves.

When two people dance, one person moves forward and the other person moves backward; one person moves to one side and the other person follows behind. Dancers listen to body language and feel the direction they are being pulled. Dancing is an art because there are no clear steps. Yes, we can take dance classes and get an idea of ??the types of moves, the beats and the general idea.

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Being a parent is a dance. There is no guidance on how your child should respond, what to say, and how often to say it. It takes time and awareness of what is needed, how much and when to stop. When to say something and when not to say it; when to guide and when to leave; when to intervene and when to let the child solve it by himself or not let him solve it.

I know, it's tiring, but being on the same page with your child will make your parenting more productive because you're both moving in the same direction. When you are no longer in sync, you, the parent, and your child will become frustrated and the interactions will no longer be enjoyable.

Into Your Shadow

As parents, we inherit generations of rules, standards, expectations, and sometimes senseless garbage. It's up to us, as parents, to be aware of what messages we are sending to our children based on the messages we have been given and the messages we have internalized and believed.

For example, think of successful parents who have an average child. In my experience, this is difficult for parents to accept. The message, both verbally and nonverbally, is: "You are not worthy of my love, and I cannot accept you unless you are above average." I know this sounds harsh, even though no one is saying it. , but said it in a wordless way.

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You cannot allow a child to return to average and then pick up another one from the pile that is above average or above.

So the job here is to make people aware of the information we hold and use to interpret and evaluate or disparage our children's identities, interests, grades, friends, etc. Once you realize the long list of criteria, you'll be better able to relax for you and your child. At this point, you may find that you view yourself and your child through a different screening process. But the first step is to become aware of the inner information that guides your daily decisions, actions, and words.

Parenting is not just about our children. It also has to do with us and the many standards we ourselves were taught as children. Think about this every day and start letting go of expectations and information that may not be serving you and your children.