Mental illness: sense of existence

Some people shine brightly in the crowd, but some people have zero sense of existence. The following mental illness: sense of existence is what I do. Everyone has prepared it and is sharing it with you here.

Being noticed is a deep psychological need of human beings. Many people seem to only have a sense of existence when they are noticed. So I try to gain a sense of presence through various intentional or unintentional actions, or I give up on searching for a sense of presence.

I do the same thing, often using various SB and ZhuangB actions to get other people’s attention.

Sometimes I feel like I have no friends. When I'm alone, I feel lonely. You might even feel superfluous in this world. I feel that everyone is living so fulfilling and happy lives, but I feel as if I have been forgotten by the world and will not be remembered. When the phone does not ring, QQ does not beep, shut down for 3 days, and then turn it on again, you will find that no one is looking for you at all. What a deep sense of loss.

This feeling of loss is saying that you are not cared about by people. You are not important to this world.

When I go to an event, a course, a party, a new unit, or an unfamiliar environment, I often have difficulty speaking and don’t know how to communicate with the people around me. Start a conversation. Sometimes I tell myself that I should get to know the stranger around me, make more friends, and take the initiative to connect with people, but I don’t know what to say and am often at a loss. So I would keep to myself. They knew each other and I knew myself. This is true even when traveling or taking a train. I basically won’t take the initiative to talk to people and just do my own thing. They can have a blast, but that doesn't include me. I always feel that I am out of tune with the group and cannot fit into their joy. So I would rather hide in the corner and stay silent, telling myself that I am actually unwilling to join in order to gain a sense of initiative. In fact, if someone finds me at this time and comes to talk to me, I will feel very comforted.

In the past, I would define this behavior as me being too introverted, but later I discovered that in fact, when I don’t say anything, I am eager for others to take the initiative to talk to me. I feel great comfort when someone takes the initiative to talk to me.

I’m also afraid of the kind of activity where you take the initiative to find a partner to practice and hug everyone you like. I will definitely stand there motionless, waiting to be chosen or left. It will be difficult for me to take the initiative to find others. I would even hide myself on purpose to find a reason: I didn’t want to play or participate. To make yourself feel comfortable and not ignored.

Sometimes I feel that I don’t know how to make friends at all. So I have no friends. So it is often not remembered.

On the other hand, I tried my best to increase my presence by showing off in various ways. I made more than 1k friends on WeChat, so that I could naturally collect hundreds of likes every time. I enjoy the feeling that every time I post on Moments, there will be a bunch of likes within 5 minutes, and then I will be excited when I see "1 new message".

To be noticed, to be seen, to be needed, to be liked. It's really a wonderful thing.

In short, I hope it can be like this: when I go into an environment, I hope others will take the initiative to talk to me; when I am alone, I hope others can think of me and contact me; when I am alone, I hope others can think of me and contact me. When I talk to someone, I hope they can respond to me promptly; when I call someone, I hope the other person can answer the call immediately.

However, I always fail. Because I am always forgotten. In a group, I am never their center point. I can only be a handsome man quietly in the corner.

Later we did a lot of exercises, and many people said to one person: "I see you". The person being said will burst into tears. I was moved by the fragility of human nature. It turns out that we all have so many needs to be seen in our hearts. It turns out that we need to prove our existence in front of others so much.

Why do we need to be seen by others so that we can feel that we exist. Why are we so dependent on others for our existence. Why do we need attention from others to feel better.

In fact, have we really not got it? Obviously not. When I am in trouble, as long as I shout, someone will always come to support me. When I need to chat, I just pop up the small window and there is always someone with me. When I take the initiative to talk to others in a group, I am always not rejected and answered enthusiastically. Why would we need others to take the initiative and see us. They even have to show off in various ways to increase their presence and prove that they are worthy of being seen.

In Bobby's attachment theory, the formation process of attachment is discussed. I think this process can be explained very well:

Children are extremely attached to their mothers during their infancy. Because they need to be seen by their mother to feel safe. They only feel at ease when they see their mother. Therefore, in the early stages, a child can play by himself, but his mother must be by his side.

Once the mother is out of their sight, they will cry and fuss and be unable to continue playing. This is our initial sense of existence. Later, when the child grew older, he believed that his mother was always by his side. Sometimes when playing, I would not let my mother see me and would push her away. But in his heart he will believe that his mother is always by his side. That is to say, he established a belief: When I want to play by myself, I will play by myself. When I need my mother, I just call my mother and she will come. Therefore, children sometimes keep calling "Mom" to increase their sense of presence and prove that their mother exists. Thus secure attachment is established.

Children with secure attachment have this characteristic: the mother does not need to be physically present. As long as the child believes in his heart that his mother is always there, he can play by himself with peace of mind. He believes that if he is in danger, his mother will appear to protect him. Believe that your mother will be there whenever you are in need. He can also watch his mother do her own thing, or even leave for a while, because he believes that her mother will always come back.

But many of us have never been so lucky to have such a sensitive mother. When a child feels a dangerous situation, when the child needs his mother, the mother is often not there. There are even many mothers who, because they have to go out for work and their children are reluctant to leave, secretly leave while their children are sleeping, or they have to worry about their own things as they watch their children cry. This is extremely traumatic for a child: once my mother is out of my sight, she may never be again. So he established this belief; Mom is only safe if she is within my sight at all times, and once she is out of my sight, she may never be again. She has no safe trust and dependence on her mother. This is called insecure attachment.

We have to spend our whole lives to fill the psychological satisfaction we did not get when we were children.

When we grow up, the people around us and our society become symbols of our mother. We long to get something from them that we didn’t get before. For example, presence.

When others are not paying attention to us, when others are doing their own things and living their own lives, at that moment we cannot feel that we are important or that we are being noticed. You will feel that you are not worthy and unimportant, and you will feel lost. Only when they take the initiative to care about us, take the initiative to find us, take the initiative to chat with us, and take the initiative to like us, can we feel that we are being noticed. And this is a child with insecure attachment. He only feels that he is cared for when his mother takes the initiative to care about him and is within sight. Once my mother leaves, it seems like she is gone forever.

Just because others are not paying attention to us at the moment does not mean that they are not paying attention to us. Because when we need it and express it, we can get attention and get an eager response. Even if they don't have time to be enthusiastic, at least they will take us seriously in their hearts. It's just that they are not our mothers. They have their own lives and cannot treat us as the center of the world and give us their attention at any time.

Not even mom.

When we grow up, we can also understand our mother. In addition to children, a mother also has life, work, and her world. She attaches great importance to her children, but she cannot give her 100% attention to them. She has her own sadness, helplessness, and powerlessness. She has all the limitations of an ordinary person. She tries hard to pay attention to us, but she always misses. She has not studied attachment theory and has not mastered the psychological laws of infants and young children. She is not a parenting expert and does not know what harm it will cause.

So we are destined to often not feel the sense of existence since childhood. Often ignored, often made to feel unimportant and unworthy.

But my mother’s neglect does not mean that she does not pay attention to it. The same is true when you grow up. Others also have their own lives, limitations, and sorrows. Others also have their own inner child's desires. Even others need our likes, initiative, and attention. It also takes us as adults to see him.

Even if you sit quietly in the corner, no one will see or notice you. No one likes, no phone rings, no one takes the initiative to care about you, no one can reply to your message instantly, you are still worthy of being seen. You are an adult, no longer the baby who needs to be seen by your mother at all times. You are equal to others and have your own life. But when you really have a real need, you will get help from others. This is love. Just see. When you pick up the phone and call each of your friends and ask: Do you remember me? Will you think of me? Am I important to you? Will I be ignored by you? You will get a very positive answer one by one. .

You don’t need a kind of happiness called instant reply, you don’t need 32 likes, you don’t need others to take the initiative to talk to you, and you don’t need others to take the initiative to care about you. These are all your lack of seeing and are illusions. You are important, you are important. So you deserve to be seen. Just because you don't get attention all the time doesn't mean you don't deserve it.

Because you are no longer a baby and do not need to be seen at any time.

What’s more, you are very important to many people, although not everyone. For example, your parents, best friends, lovers, people you can help, etc.

So don’t ask a bunch of boring questions like "When I am in trouble, who will remember me first?", these fully demonstrate that you need a mother to pay attention to you at all times.

The question is, while you are waiting to be seen, do you see yourself? ;