The principal and the English teacher visited a middle school in France. The principal spoke in the auditorium and the English teacher translated.

Principal: "Dear teachers and classmates!"

English teacher: "ladies and gentlemen!"

Principal: "Ladies and gentlemen!" ! ”

English teacher-_-! After thinking for a moment, he said: "Good morning!"

Principal: "Good morning!"

English teacher:... ==" Khan

2. Say There was a polar bear who had to wear sunglasses to see because the snow was too harsh. But he couldn't find the sunglasses, so he closed his eyes and crawled around on the ground to look for it. He crawled and crawled until his hands and feet were dirty. I was so embarrassed that I found my sunglasses. I put on my sunglasses and looked in the mirror, and then I realized: Oh, it turns out I am a panda

3. A polar bear stayed alone on the ice in a daze, which was really boring. He started to pull out his own hair, one, two, three, and finally there was no hair left, and then he died of cold.

4. Once upon a time, there was a bird that he would pass by every day. There was a corn field, but unfortunately, there was a fire in that corn field one day, and all the corn turned into popcorn!!! After the bird flew over...it thought it was snowing, and it died of cold.

5. Xiao Ming got a new haircut. When he came to school the next day, his classmates saw his new hair style and laughed: Xiao Ming, your hair looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt aggrieved and ran to the school. Crying outside, he flew up.

6. The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly rejected it. The spider asked: Why? The butterfly said: My mother said.

7. On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana in front suddenly felt very hot. He said, "It's so hot." , I wanted to take off my clothes, but he peeled off the skin. Then the banana with the clothes off turned into a dried banana~

8. , three explorers finally found the "Valley of Hope". Legend has it that as long as you stand on the edge of the valley and shout what you want, and then jump into the valley, you will get what you want in a pit full of valleys. So the three of them decided to give it a try

The first one was a pervert, so he yelled "Woman!" woman! "If he jumped down, there would be a lot of beauties waiting for him.

The second one was a nerd and shouted "Books, books, books!" "Then, he jumped into the valley and got a pit full of books.

The third one was an indecisive person. After thinking about it, he could never decide on his favorite. After an hour, he Finally he made up his mind and felt that banknotes were the most useful, so he walked towards the edge of the valley. When he accidentally kicked a stone, he cursed "shit!" "Unexpectedly, his center of gravity was unstable and he fell down the valley.

9. As for Xiao Ming, he has to take the exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV at night

Xiao Ming's mother asked worriedly: Shudu Have you finished reading? There is a test tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied readily: Mom, I have finished reading.

Xiao Ming’s mother happily praised Xiao Ming: “Good boy, you will take the test tomorrow.” It's going very well

Xiao Ming cried and said, "Mom, I see, it's over."

10. The panda loves the deer deeply and expresses his love. But he was rejected. Panda yelled~Why? Why is all this happening? Xiaolu said timidly: My mother said that those who wear sunglasses are bad boys.

11. On the way! My feet suddenly felt sore while walking! Why is this happening? Because Xiao Ming stepped on a lemon!

12. Which Chinese character is the coolest?

< p>Jin" said to "Coin": My son. When you put on your doctorate hat, your worth will be a hundred times greater.

"Chi" said to "Jin": Sister, the results are out. You are pregnant with twins.

"Chen" said to "Ju": The area is the same as yours. I have three bedrooms and two living rooms.

13. One day, a university teacher asked a student, there are ten birds in the tree, if one is shot and killed, how many are left?

The student asked: Is it a silent pistol? Wasn't the gunshot loud? 80-100 decibels. Is it illegal to hunt birds in this city? Don't commit. Are you sure that bird was really killed? Sure.

At this time, the teacher was already impatient: "Just tell me how many birds are left, okay? Are there any deaf birds in the tree? No. Are there any that are locked in a cage and hung on the tree? No." Are there other trees nearby? Are there any other birds in the trees? If a bird is pregnant, does it count as a baby in the belly? Are there any flowers in the bird's eyes? Ten. The teacher was already sweating, and the bell rang, but the student continued to ask: Are there any birds that are so stupid that they are afraid of death? Can the student be confident? Say: If your answer is not deceptive, "If the bird that was killed hangs on the tree and does not fall off, then there is only one bird left; if it falls off, there is no bird left." The teacher immediately foamed at the mouth and fell to the ground!

14. One day, someone was passing by a crossroads and discovered something super scary. He found that Kakashi and Sun Wukong were actually laughing!

15. A long time ago, one night, there were three shrimps in the pond. Hahaha, a female ghost farted and died.

16. A female alien who was engaged in biological research came to the earth. After walking around, she felt that human genes had a lot to learn from, so she captured a man and wanted to marry him Bring back textual information about human genes. But the spacecraft is too small to take him away, and the data is too huge to be taken away at once. When she was anxious, the computer help system of the spacecraft said: "This man has a small stick on his body that can solve all your problems..." Then she suddenly realized it, smiled and said to the man with saliva: "... . . . Give me the USB drive!”

17. There was a boy who was crossing the road and was accidentally crushed by a truck. When he was dying, he looked at his body and said: "It turns out that I am a bean paste stuffing, not "Meat stuffed"

18. Brother, stop touching it! If you touch the top and bottom, the hair will fall off. Such tender skin will bleed when you touch it! How do you want me to sell it in the future? These peaches are all fresh, just forget it if you don’t want to buy them!

19. Once upon a time there was a little lamb. One day he went out to play and met a big bad wolf. The big bad wolf said: I will eat you! ! ! The lamb was shocked! Guess what happened? As a result, the big bad wolf ate the lamb.

20. Once upon a time, there was a swordsman. He was very cold, his heart was very cold, his sword was very cold, and he died of coldness in the end.

21. Once upon a time, there was a tiger chasing a deer on the road. ! The deer was frightened and ran faster and faster, and finally it turned into a highway

22. There was a tomato that was hit by a stone and smashed, and another tomato fell to pieces again. There is another tomato, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, countless tomatoes smashed to pieces, and the last tomato also fell, tap, tap, tap! Ketchup!

23. The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a landmine during combat? The company commander was very angry: Damn, what can we do? If you step on it, you will be compensated according to the price.

24. One day, the three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by the big bad wolf. The big bad wolf effortlessly destroyed the thatched house, the wooden house, and the brick house. The three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but they were still caught up by the big bad wolf. The three little pigs said desperately, "It's up to you." We give up, do whatever you want. At this time, the big bad wolf smiled evilly and said with saliva: Then tell me where is Little Red Riding Hood?

25. The elephant defecated in the middle of the road. An ant happened to be passing by. It looked up at the mist-shrouded peak and couldn't help singing: Yalasuo, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

26. When you check in at the railway station but don’t have any paper, don’t worry, the train will remind you: Wipe your pants, wipe your pants, wipe your pants! When you are playing tuba by the river but don’t have any paper, don’t worry, the frog will tell you: stick scrape, stick scrape, stick scrape!

27. Two counterfeiters accidentally made counterfeit bills with a face value of 15 yuan. They decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they took a 15 yuan bill, they bought 1 yuan of candied haws. , they cried, and the farmer gave them two pieces worth 7 yuan.

28. Someone’s newly installed phone happened to be returned from a movie theater, so people often called to ask about the movies being shown. At first, he always explained nicely that the phone no longer belonged to the movie theater. It's his now, please don't call again in the future. As time goes by, he feels very annoyed, so when he receives such calls, he simply says: "You dialed the wrong number!" This also saves some saliva.

One day, a familiar voice came from the other party: "Excuse me, what movie is showing now?" He said as usual: "You made the wrong number!" After a while of silence, the other party replied: "Is it a domestic film or a foreign film?

29. A person climbed the wall and left the school. He was caught by the principal. The principal asked: Why don't you go through the school gate? The answer was: Metersbonwe, don't take the ordinary way. The principal asked again: How can you climb over such a high wall? Yes? He pointed to his pants and said: Li Ning, everything is possible.

The principal asked again: What does it feel like to climb over the wall? He pointed to his shoes and said, "Xtep, it feels like flying." On the third day, he entered the school from the main entrance, and the principal asked: Why don't you climb over the wall? He said: Anta, I choose, I like it. On the third day, he wore a mixed suit, and the principal said: You can wear whatever you want! , Semir clothing. On the fourth day, he wore a vest to school. He said, man, just keep it simple. The principal said I will give you a big offense. The principal said: Why? Say, M-Zone, I have the final say on my territory.

Life at 30 is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4,000 yuan from me and said he wanted to have plastic surgery. The result is now complete. I don’t know what he has become, Oh 4,000 yuan.

31. Note to robbers: Our staff only understand Spanish. Please be patient when robbing. It is best to bring a translator. Thank you. !

32. Are you blind? You can’t see such a big shield, but you want to throw a stone at my head!

33. I think I should lose weight! , when I donated blood last time, 100 milliliters of lard actually leaked out.

34. Tourist: Master, is the thatched house over there a toilet? Monk: Except for that thatched house, the rest are. Everywhere is a toilet.

35. The hair is gone and the dandruff is even better!

36. Shit and pee are good friends. One day, Shi was hit by a car while crossing the road. When I peeed, I said: I really want to poop...

37. Yesterday I signed up for a weight loss training class, and they asked me to wear loose clothes during the training. Is this unreasonable if there are still loose clothes? Why should I sign up?

38. My wife and I haven’t spoken for 18 months, and I have no chance to interrupt her.

39. Thief A: Count today. How much did *** steal? Thief B: No, you’ll find out after reading the newspaper tomorrow.

40. The higher you stand, the farther you pee.

41. Go on your own. Let others take a taxi.

42. Wear other people’s shoes, walk your own way, and let them find it.

43. Late one night, a young woman passed by. When she was in a mental hospital, there was a sudden "wow" sound from behind. The woman turned around and saw a naked man chasing her. The woman was so scared that she ran away, and the man behind her was chasing her. At a dead end, the woman lost all hope, knelt on the ground, cried and begged: "You can do whatever you want, I just ask you not to kill me. The man smiled slyly and said, "Really?" Then now you start chasing me. ”

44. At a literary evening, the host came to the stage to announce: Please enjoy below: Xinjiang singing and dancing, lift your skull! The whole place was silent and creepy!!! Cold~~~

67. Three little white rabbits picked a mushroom

The two older ones asked the younger one to get some wild vegetables to eat together

The younger one said I won’t go and I’ll leave. You ate my mushrooms

The two older ones said they didn’t know how to do it, so the little white rabbit went away~~~

Half a year passed and the little white rabbit still hasn’t come back. The big one said it wasn't coming back and we should eat it. The other big one said wait a little longer~~~ The little white rabbit hasn't come back yet after a year. The two big ones agreed that there was no need to wait and we should just eat it. At this time, the little white rabbit suddenly jumped out of the jungle nearby and said angrily! I knew you were going to eat my mushrooms

70. Once upon a time, a man went fishing and caught a squid.

The squid begged him: Please let me go, don’t roast me to eat.

The man said: Okay, then let me ask you a few questions.

Squid was very happy and said: You take the test, you take the test!

Then the man grilled the squid

76. A mentally ill patient screamed: I am the president, you all have to listen to me!

The attending doctor asked him: Who said that?

Patient: God said so.

Hearing this, a patient next to him suddenly jumped up: I never said that!

84. Two tomatoes went shopping. The first tomato suddenly walked very fast, and the second tomato asked: "Where are we going?" The first tomato did not answer, and the second tomato Asked again. The first tomato didn't answer yet, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned around slowly and said: Aren't we tomatoes? Can we talk?

85. Xiao Ming and his classmates guessed "Andy Lau"

Xiao Ming shouted loudly: "He is one of the four heavenly kings!"

The classmate said confidently without hesitation: I know it is "Sun Wukong!"

89. The prisoner was executed. Due to the poor quality of the bullet, the first shot did not go off, and then the second shot was fired. . . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried, hugged the bailiff's thigh and said: Brother, please strangle me to death! It's so damn scary...

90. Three people were competing in marksmanship, with a black man holding something as a target.

The first man placed an apple on the black man’s head, then raised his hand and shot the apple to pieces 10 meters away. He blew the gun and said: I 'm Zorro!

The second man put a cherry on the black man's head, and then, 50 meters away, he raised his hand and shot the cherry to pieces. He blew on the muzzle of the gun and said: I' m007

The third man put a sesame seed on the black man’s head, then raised his hand and shot the black man’s head 100 meters away, and he also blew The muzzle said: I'm sorry

91. Xiao Wang works in the personnel department on the 10th floor. A month ago, he was transferred to the administrative department on the 9th floor... Today, classmate Xiao Wang Called the HR department to find him: "Is Xiao Wang here?"

The colleague who answered the phone said: "Xiao Wang is no longer in the HR department."

Classmate Xiao Wang: "Ah! ?, when did it happen? Why didn’t I know? I haven’t had time to send him off yet?”

“It doesn’t matter, you can go find him below.”

93. A woman She was walking at night when she suddenly saw a man walking towards her with open arms, making a hug, and then stepped forward and kicked her. The man fell to the ground and cried loudly, saying: It’s already the third piece of glass, I messed with someone, bring back a piece of glass. Is it so difficult to get home?

Philosophy test questions

A teacher from the philosophy department only asked one question in the mid-term exam.

The question is "What is courage?"

Just when everyone was thinking desperately about what to write...

A classmate handed in an essay. Oh...he didn't write a word!

But he only wrote five words: "This is courage!"

Absolutely! The teacher gave him full marks.

But more is to come.

Finally arrived at the final exam. This teacher still only takes one question.

This time the question is "This is the question, please give the answer"

Isn't this question strange enough? Everyone still doesn't know how to write

But the student handed in the paper quickly

What did he write this time?

He wrote "This is the answer, please." Give me points..."

The teacher was so angry that he shouted angrily:

"Boy, this is awesome! Come here, I have two questions for you, if you answer first There is no need to answer the second question..."

Teacher: "How many hairs do you have?"

Classmate: "One hundred and twenty million, thirty-six hundred and one. ”

Teacher: “How do you know?”

Classmate: “No need to answer this question”

He got full marks in the final exam again!

The answer that will make the teacher angry to death!

Title: While... while...

Student: He was taking off his clothes and putting on his pants at the same time.

Commentary: Should he take it off or put it on?

Title: Among them

Student: One of my left feet is injured.

Comments: Are you a centipede?

Title: Continuously

Student: After get off work, my father came home one after another.

Comments: How many fathers do you have?

Topic: Thriving

Student: My brother is thriving.

Comment: Son, is your brother a vegetable?

Topic: Sad

Student: It’s sad that there is a ditch in front of my house.

Comment: The teacher is even sadder...

Title: And...and...

Student: My mother is short, tall, fat and thin.

Comments: Is your mother...a Transformer?

Title: First...and then..., example: Eat first, then take a bath.

Student: Goodbye, sir!

Criticism: Imagination exceeds the wisdom of people on earth.

Topic: Besides

Student: A train passed by, besides, besides, besides, besides...

Comment: I'll forget it if I die... .

My deskmate had a cold and a runny nose, but he forgot to bring a handkerchief, so he kept sucking the snot into his nose. The Chinese teacher who was writing on the blackboard suddenly turned around and shouted: "That's enough! Stop it! It's so noisy!" The whole class fell silent. The teacher said again: "Who is eating noodles secretly and making such a loud noise in class?" So we voted for class beauties, held a class, and selected the two most beautiful girls. The teacher said: Go to the Academic Affairs Office and move the flowers!

Once upon a time there was a man named Ah Shuang.

He died.

The day of the funeral.

It feels so good...it feels so good...

Passers-by asked in confusion: "Why are you so happy?"

The family cried bitterly: " It's so cool...It's so cool..."

A woman said to her girlfriend: "I made my husband a millionaire, but now he wants to abandon me." The girlfriend was very surprised and sighed: "Then you have been too helpful to your husband... What did your husband do before!?" Lady: "A multi-millionaire."

There is a family. There was a fire, and both parents escaped. Only the son was still inside. The mother shouted: "My son is on fire, why don't you come out?" Son: "I am putting on socks." "What are you wearing if there is a fire?" Socks." After five minutes, the son still didn't come out. The mother shouted nervously: "Son, come out quickly. The fire is getting bigger and bigger. Why are you still in there?" The son said, "I'm taking it off?" Socks! ”